ο»ΏHey, babe, and welcome to the Peripeteia podcast, a talk show for women. This is the place to talk about how we're ditching our bad habits, long held patterns, and limiting beliefs. The time is now to stop outsourcing and start insourcing our happiness and bliss. Am I right? I'm Heather Lowe, your empowering life coach, ready to guide you on this incredible journey of self discovery, empowerment, and freedom.
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Yeah.
And it all connects.
Well, I started out as a direct line social worker in 1999. And I was kind of a late bloomer. I, had a dance studio and aerobic studio and a performing arts studio before that. I feel like I need to write a book like, Laura Love that says the many lives of Mama Love, and I'm not really sure that I'm this great dancer. But what I am is a good choreographer, which is that sort of that golden thread that's kind of weave through all the things that I end up doing in my life. When we moved to a small town, I moved from the Bay Area in California, near San Francisco.
To where my husband grew up. We settled in and I didn't know what to do. So I decided to start a dance studio in a very small, rural community and ended up with 225, students. My kids were involved in a dance studio in the Bay area.
I was too. I was an aerobics instructor. Do you ever get that point? It's almost like what, Rob Bell calls your South star. If I have a studio, I'm not going to do it that way. If I have a studio, I'm not going to have stars. I'm going to have groups that are responsible for being a team.
And so we created a very different kind of studio. We had almost 20 percent boys in a farm town kind of atmosphere. We put them in jeans and rep t shirts for recitals, we had an art teacher. So the art department would create the sets for the recitals and we had art exhibits and then that sort of grew into we did the Nutcracker on a yearly basis.
So we created a second company called Calusa County Performing Arts. We had the dance studio, which was heart and soul. And the performing arts studio. We had kids in our studio that were former foster kids or current foster kids.
So we just made it for the community, but also for at risk kids, which was kind of my connection, into social work. And so our kids designed the sets. They did the lighting. They learned how to do lighting if they weren't dancers. We just had a really good time. It's interesting because when I go back there.
If I see, the 40 somethings that were in my dance class, they're like, oh my God, she was my dance teacher. I did choreography for the, I was a geek. What do you call those? Um, I did show choir choreography and I band choreography as well. So my kids got really, um, all involved in sports.
So I sold the studio and, I didn't know what to do. So my, um, we had done some work for the for social services around smoking cessation. We had dandy the dragon at our halftime recitals. And so the director said, Do you want to be a social worker? And, um, I had a degree in psychology. I had no idea what a social worker did.
And, and so, um, that was my start really. And I felt like I didn't really know enough about being a social worker. So I quickly went to grad school and got my MSW. But along the way, um, I realized that I was getting really stressed out and really affected by the daily trauma I saw on a daily basis, right?
That, that, uh, I was witnessing, uh, someone else's trauma on a daily basis practically, right? And several times a day. And at that point in 1999, we really didn't know what that was. You know, we just. You know, you're a social worker, you're going to see trauma and you're just going to have to put up with it, right?
And that didn't, you know, that wasn't really, um, I, you know, that wasn't my start of my drinking at all, but it might have been the seed that we planted, if that makes sense. Um, but that was in 1999 and 16 years later, um, I was in, uh, social work for 16 years. And I started to, um, get really around the last six, five years, five or six years, I started feeling really, um, stressed out and I, I didn't know what it was.
Um, what I find common in the world of social work and those who have careers in the helping field all end up when we talk about it, we're always talking about that secondary traumatic stress. Um, but we don't feel like we have the right to talk about it because we picked it, right? You know, it
wasn't really talked about at all, you know, in the early, uh, 2000s. So, um, and then, and then, um, we talked about the secondary traumatic stress of witnessing someone else's, uh, stress on a daily basis. And then, um, towards the end of my, uh, direct practice career, I started feeling like. The system trauma. So we had the secondary traumatic stress of, of, you know, uh, feeling someone else's trauma and then having the system trauma and anybody, um, I don't care.
You know, I have doctor friends. So do you. We have all these friends in the helping field. And again, you don't talk about it. So, lots of times I felt like that I was doing more harm than good. That I was, that I was separating kids from their, their bio families and putting them in a situation that was not much better.
And it was breaking my heart. I was starting to have a broken heart. And then, we kind of had a, a county culture that wasn't very healthy either. And I ended up, um, being a whistleblower. And that was in 2012. And so I had this unrecognized secondary traumatic stress. I had the system trauma. Really, the other thing that maybe you can relate to, too, is that I had this moral injury.
Because I felt often that we were, we were picking between, picking between two not so good things, right? And And it really started to affect me. But when I became a whistleblower, that was pretty much it for me because they, they decided that there was something wrong with me for blowing a whistle. So, um, that's when I started, you know, going home and, and, uh, Drinking a glass of wine, and then it turned into two, that turned into three, that turned into four, and turned into five, or a whole bottle, right?
That, um, I don't think there's five glasses in the bottle, as I recall, I don't remember. But, what I realized is that, and then, so, I retired from direct practice in 2014, and then UC Davis called me and said, Hey, do you want to come be a social work instructor for us? And I'm like, Why would you want me? I had a pretty low self image at the time because All, all the things I'd gone through and I, my drinking kind of became a little more, more, um, heavy, but, um, again, I, you know, I didn't drink during the day or any of that and, you know, but I definitely taught with some low grade hangovers and, or maybe not so low grade and, and then in 2018, I got, um, instructor of the year out of 1750 instructors.
And I went home and drank a bottle of wine. And that's when I knew that was 2018. I knew I was in trouble. Um, because I had everything and I didn't have the direct trauma anymore. Right? I had, I really didn't have any, anything. I wasn't, I didn't have secondary traumatic stress. I didn't have any of those things that, um, system trauma, any of that anymore, but yet I was still numbing out.
Right? So I knew I was in trouble in 2018, but I really didn't do anything about that. Yeah. Until my daughter, um, asked me in July of 2019 to do something about my drinking, because she said, if you don't, mom, you won't be able to have the relationship you want with me, Jason and the kids. And that became too high a price to pay.
So that was my last drink. And at about year one, and if you have questions, just interrupt me, cause I'm a talker, um, you know, about year one, I, I talked to my director at UC Davis and told her that. Told her what had happened and that I was writing a book and she was the most amazing, compassionate, she is the most amazing, compassionate boss.
I've never had a boss like her. And I know I'm never going to have a boss like her again. Her name is Alison book. And she, she just supported me and in the biggest way. Um, I can't even describe to you. And so what she did is lifted me up and said, I think that you can help new social workers. I think you can, um, train new social workers and talk about that and kind of that whack a mole.
theory, right, that if we don't take care of our trauma, then it pops out somewhere. For me, it happens to be alcohol. For some people, it's overeating. Um, I can certainly, um, look out on a conference, a social work conference and see. Um, eating disorders, because social workers tend to eat their stress, um, there may be a relationship issue, there may be a, another kind of substance, um, dependency.
But if you're not really being aware of your own personal trauma, then, then it is going to pop out somewhere. And I, and I think for me, um, it was obviously wine.
Very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
Well, yeah. And, and the thing is, again, that, that compounding of the fact that we're, we're a child welfare agency and having, having, um, you know, an issue in our child welfare agency where we actually made the headlines of. Our local news, not just the local news, the big local news in Sacramento and my name was in there and the person that had been harassed was in there and, um, you know, he, he left, um, the, the, the manager that was accused of, of what happened and I can't get into it too much, um, you know, left for a year.
She was put on leave for a year. So, um, I ended up having his job, my job, and her job for a year, and my daughter got married that year. So it was, it was extremely stressful. I was, you know, I probably put in more time, um, in overtime, and again, what you were talking about is, you know, not only, you know, the secondary trauma, the system trauma, the, you know, the whistleblowing and all of that, is that it started to physically, um, affect me.
I had, uh, blood pressure that was out of this world. I'm sure the drinking didn't help that at all. And my doctor actually took me off work because I felt like someone was gonna die on my watch. And then we also had, because we hit the, we made the headline news, um, we had people calling us up saying, why should we trust you with our kids?
Look what you did. And I said, cause. I didn't do it. Because, you know, if you listen to the news, yeah,
I would do it all over again. So would you. So would anyone I know that we love would do it over again. When someone comes to you and says, says to you, I want, you know, I'm going to hurt myself. They don't stop doing this to me. I'm going to hurt myself. Well, of course there was no choice for me. And I never ever even considered that people would not, would, would treat me badly for telling the truth in a health and human services environment.
But, you know,
and on top of that, you know, I came home and my husband who, who worked in the private sector, all of this, you know, uh, career. It's like, I don't think he believed me. I don't think he, because what happened in a, in a government agency doesn't happen in private sector. It's a, they're just two different worlds.
And so I felt, I think I probably felt the most alone ever. Um, that I ever felt in my life when not when I was doing that and on top of that, I had people around me that were saying, Oh, mom, you know, eat when you drink or, you know, I know, I know, you know, you kind of drank too much last night, but, you know, you have a hard job and you deserve to, you know, check out.
So up to a point, my own family was like, codependent with my behavior until, you know, I, I had a pretty major incident. That, um, had my daughter come to me, so.
Yeah.
Yeah. Not sleeping, checking out, eating, you know, those, those things, you know, relationship problems, spending problems, you know, you know, having an Amazon issue, you know, um, smoking, smoking, yeah, all those things, and Ann Dowsett Johnson calls it, um, a whack a mole. Uh, a theory that, you know, if you don't recognize the trauma, then you, you know, you, it's going to pop out somewhere and, and that's what happens to when people have, um, any kind of addiction, if they're not really, uh, understanding the trauma or the behavior underneath it, then you just go to another, another addiction.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Right. Your body is full of cortisol. The whole entire, I mean, that's what, that's what happens. Your body fills with cortisol and you, you know, you get very anxious. Also I'm kind of flipping subjects a little bit, but I think it's really important to talk about ACEs, um, because that's part of this too. Not only do we have, uh, the traumas that we talked about already, but we also all carry, um, adverse childhood experiences.
So almost everyone on the planet has at least one out of the ten, um, adverse childhood experiences. So in 1995 to 1997, Kaiser and the CDC did a, uh, study. And so what they found is that there were ten identified, uh, early childhood, uh, traumas that happened to people. And that That, um, they increase your, um, actually decrease your lifespan, they can decrease your lifespan.
And also, um, um, even Laura McKellan talks about this in her book, Push Off From Here, about the fact that, um, if you have four out of the ten ACEs, then you have a 700 percent higher, uh, uh, probability of becoming addicted to something. So those, uh, ACE studies, which anybody can go online and, and, and look at them, but there's physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, living with someone who misused drugs.
Someone who misused alcohol, exposure to domestic violence or intimate partner violence, living with someone who's gone to prison, and living with someone who has a serious mental health issue. So, I have six out of ten. So, and again, I didn't know anything about ACEs. And then last year, Dr. Nzinga Harrison wrote this book called Unaddiction, who you need to interview because she's amazing.
Um, the Philadelphia, in her book, Unaddiction, the Philadelphia Ace Project added five more aces. And those are, um, growing up in an unsafe neighborhood, being, uh, bullied by someone you didn't live with. And then, um, uh, feeling like there was no one in your life who helped you, uh, feeling like you were treated badly because of your race, ethnicity, or gender.
And then, um, if you were in foster care. So, um, and so one of the things that, that I love about, uh, Dr. Nzinga's book is that she talks about pieces. And pieces are positive childhood experiences. That's a term that she coined. And this is something that's really run again through, um, through my career as a social worker is that positive childhood experiences are are the antidote for ACEs.
So if you have an, if you have some ACEs, even as adults, we can still develop positive childhood experiences with people we know. So, um, that, that includes being able to talk about your feelings, um, that you felt like somebody in your family has stood by you, that you felt a sense of belonging in high school.
I thought that was interesting. Um, feeling supported by friends. Um, and feeling, uh, safe and protected by an adult in your home. So, um, again, I, you, you, one of the reasons I love you so much is that you both, you have that. Okay. So we have this trauma. What do we do about it to make it better? And you know, for me, I, even though I had six out of 10 aces, um, I, I had a hazel in my life who, um, just thought I was the most, she was my mom's best friend and she was one of the most amazing women on the planet.
She was from Norway. And she had the most gigantic boobs I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of her boobs.
They were just amazing to me. I still have that picture of my head. Cause she had, she always wore white blouses and you know, her, her very ample bosom was always like right there in my face, but. Um, definitely she made such a difference in my life, which connects back to my work as social work as a social worker and how important it is to, um, have foster kids having, uh, you know, peers, um, and, uh, mentors and people they look up to because they can make, they can make up for all the aces that we went through.
But if you don't, if you don't, uh, learn about your aces. or any of the other trauma that you have, then, then it just carries with you and you don't get rid of it. Right. And so what I teach, um, I teach a lot of classes for UC Davis. And part of that is to get to get new social workers and some of the stubborn older ones.
To, um, to understand that we carry our ACEs with us into our work. And, um, and so, you know, we look at other people's trauma with their own trauma lens. So it's very complicated and, um, knowing about it and understanding it, the science behind it makes such a difference because then you're taking your biases out of your own lived experience.
Yeah. Who is yours? Tell me one of yours.
I love that.
Yeah, totally in love with your mom.
Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
I mean, I, I do. I think that the world of social work is changing. It's too slow for me, but I'm always impatient. But one of the things I see is that, you know, in 1999, we weren't allowed to talk about lived experience at all. Like that was, that was absolutely taboo. And now, um. It's, it's different. If it's, if it's relevant, I will share, um, I will share what, what's happened to me.
And again, I get, I get to present at conferences around self care and talking about all the things that we've talked about today and really create, um, kind of a self mapping tool that, that can say what's working in my life right now. And what are we worried about? And what are some of the things that we can do differently?
And, you know, I've had, um, I've had, um, you know, people from the state, you know, you know, talk about long drink and too much wine, or I've had, or, you know, my relationship with my teenage daughter is really strained, or, you know, I'm really snappy at my husband, like I, you know, I, um, and so the ability to talk about our lived experience is very healing.
And it's also very connecting with the clients we serve, because I truly believe. From the bottom of my heart that the only difference between me and the clients that I've served is that my village is bigger. Their support system is either very little unhealthy or non existent. So, um, you know, I tell every family that I've ever worked with it.
I want to work myself out of a job. I don't want there to be a need for social workers. Um, and also, you know, we're the world of social work. It's so it's so young. I mean, there was no, you know, child welfare when I was a kid, and I know I'm ancient, but there wasn't any. And, um, there wasn't any, I should have been removed from my mom for her cooking.
She was. The worst cook in the planet. I should, that should have been an ace, an adverse childhood experience because my mom was terrible. Um, we had a skinny dog. We really did. When you meet my mom's cooking. But, um, I digress. But, um, I forget, I forget what I was even talking about right now. What was I talking about?
Yeah.
Thank god she's your age, so um, she's a little bit older than you. I'm so happy because I will retire out with her. I've never, I, I, seriously, Heather, I've had bosses that no one should have.
Wow.
Well, and that's, you know, what a cognitive dissonance. I mean, I do write about that in the book is that, oh my gosh, here I was working with families that 90 percent of our families were dealing with some sort of substance abuse issue. And then going home and drinking a bottle of wine at night the last five years of my career.
And, you know, the cognitive dissonance on the self hatred scale is like an 11 and
section.
No, I mean, we didn't, we didn't talk about, you know, and, um, on Sunday nights, we have this sort of offshoot. Meeting. Um, uh, we have a Sunday night meeting with health care workers and, uh, therapists, and, um, I think I'm the only social friendly group. It's only about eight people, but listening, you know, five of them are physician to talk about, you know, the decisions they have to make, you know, uh, around, um, hospitals being a business.
Right. And those, that moral injury again, where, you know, you feel like you're violating your own, uh, code. You know, your own integrity and, you know, that stuff really wears on you. And, you know, it's, it, it's really healing to be able to talk about it every Sunday, you know, we don't always talk about work, but we do talk about, you know, um, you know, how, you know, how the system we, we bitch about the system all the time now, I don't.
I don't necessarily, I bet you about the system that was because again, right now I, you know, I'm six years, um, almost six years alcohol free or five and a half and, and I get to talk about it and you know, the other day I taught a class and, um, I, I can't remember why it came up around, um, around, uh, professionals having, uh, addiction issues, but at a 32 year old come up to me after class and said, you know, said to me, I'm two years, um, alcohol free, okay.
I'm like, how did you do that at 30? Right? And so the more we talk about, the more we normalize it, the more, I mean, I don't know what you thought, but I thought I was the only one in the planet that was going through what I was going through when I went through it.
I
mean, I pretty much got there. So, you know, and again, I wasn't as upset about, about Paul leaving as I was my daughter saying that to me, really my daughter saved my life. Because I, I couldn't imagine not being around, uh, her and, um, her two sets of twins. It was, it
was totally, I wasn't even sure I wanted my marriage to work at that point. I was just really worried. And, you know, of course, my, I have a kid that said, the other kid, my younger, my younger said, Oh mom, just don't drink around Lindsay. I mean, I
could feel it when I walked in that, like, I, I'm, I've never been a woo woo person. But after the whistle blowing event, I could actually feel my body. I could feel the cortisol fill up just by walking into my office. And so it was that way all day. And I, and also, you know, I was like trying to, I wasn't going to let them win.
I wasn't going to quit. My husband was like, quit, you can quit. I'm like, no, I'm not let I'm, you know, I'm not, I'm going to show them, like on my phone. Right. And, and, uh, set my retirement date for two years later. Um, you know, I would have lost, uh, you know, quite a bit of money if I left at that time, you know, I needed to be 62 to, um, to retire.
So, you know, and let, you know, and again, I still have to pinch myself at UC wanted, I'm like, why do you want me to teach for you? I mean, I had such low, low self esteem at the point, you know, like, we really want you to teach for us. I'm like, why? I don't have anything to offer. And then, um, I mean, it's the best job ever.
It's just the best job ever. I love, love, love, love teaching. I love it. Cause I feel like I make it, that's why I feel like I make a difference. You know, I feel like I. I can make a difference with that or, and not just, not just in keeping people from developing an addiction, but also really, um, that moral injury again, where someone's, you know, um, can be very judgy and, uh, you know, new workers can be very judgy of people's behavior.
And I remember my first client that I ever had, and I thought, how could she love her? How could she love vodka more than she loves her kids? And boy did I learn my lesson. She, she taught me a lot about that. Yeah. And so I can fight that. Also, when I'm teaching, is when I hear those judgy, judgy words to say, Have you thought about it this way?
Have you thought about, you know, some of the reasons behind, and those are some of the times that I've been able to share my story because, um, I want people to understand that, that people are human and just happen to misuse a substance. And we both know that most of, most of even our abusers, even our physical and sexual abusers have been abused themselves.
And you. The goal is to change their behavior, right? Not, not to keep on abusing. So, so you also have to be committed to love, to love the abuser too, which is not an easy thing to do. People
I journal every day. Um, every single day. I've been journaling every day. Um, just, I think, um, lots of people journal for a little bit longer, but I do a 15 minute journal when I get up. I get up early every day. So I have time to myself. It's really important that I'm by myself in the morning. That's when I get all my, actually mornings are my favorite.
I get so much time in the mornings. Um, I, uh, do my writing for this side of alcohol. I do my writing for, uh, zero proof experiences. If I'm teaching that day, you know, I go over the curriculum one last time. Um, I drink lemon water. And then, um, and then I, if I, if I'm not working that day, I walk. So walking is really important to me.
I should be doing more than walking. And I keep telling myself I should be doing more than walking. And I'm still not there.
Yeah.
That means you can actually like to have that and and yeah, so I walk and I have that great gratitude practice for about three years. So that's been and what I love about the gratitude practices. It's Melanie Beatty like because we're also grateful for the things that, um, that aren't so good, right? It's easy to be grateful for all the good things that happened to you.
Um, my friend's example was, um, Uh, she's, uh, grateful to have had a broken heart because it taught her she could love so deeply. Yeah, yeah,
totally. And I think that that's so important. So yeah, and, and I, even when I travel, and I'm really traveling a lot now because, um, in car, car travel, we, uh, serve the northern 29 counties. All the way up to the Oregon border. So, um, now that, uh, you know, COVID changed the way we did business and then we were doing a lot of online classes and now we're kind of 50, 50.
So lots of the other instructors have probably get in trouble for this, but not everybody loves to travel. And I, I thrive on in person classes. I like having the energy in the room. I think I do a pretty good job of Zoom class, but I love, love, love, love in person. So, um, I get a few more gigs that way anyway, because lots of people don't want to travel anymore.
Yeah, it really is. So, um, yeah, I, you know, everything's going, going really well. And again, I, I don't think I could be more grateful to UC Davis for, um, being so, uh, supportive and being so client centered and social worker centered, because we know that, um, when social workers burn out. Then the family suffers the children and families that we serve and also the vulnerable adults that we serve.
I did child welfare and adult protective services. And still teach both subjects and I, you know, we, the, the families lose out. We lose out when we when we burn out so It's really important.
Well, every time we have to tell their story over and over again, you know, it's, it's traumatic for families too.
Yeah, we actually, what a great question. We actually have a, uh, safe organized practice and a social worker resilience class. It's brand new. So we're, um, uh, teaching that and we have, uh, there's so many classes that are teaching, like for the first time. Um, it's about three years old, but we also have safety organized practice, which is the California practice that is trauma informed, um, uh, client centered, strength based, um, way to work with families.
And we also have Uh, states organized practice and intimate partner violence, which, which is something I didn't have when I was in direct practice and how to work with families that, that are involved in, um, an intimate partner violence, which is a very different, you know, it's a very different approach where we're not blaming the survivor.
We're not the survivor out there just saying. You have to keep the abuser out of the pot,
doesn't it? Oh, cool. Yeah. And so we're really looking at, um, at strengths in a different way, right? Which is beautiful.
See, I have goosebumps when you just said that. I mean, total goosebumps because this, you know, again, I hope we're not going too far off the subject, but, you know, having a mom who gets her husband drunk every night so he won't beat her up. That's just And we, you know, so it's a, yeah,
she doesn't know it, like she doesn't know it. And so we were, we totally shifted from, you need to keep your husband out of the house, which is totally impossible. And actually sometimes it can be more. More, uh, dangerous because, uh, lots of lots of abusers like to break a restraining order, but also to its twofold.
We're working with the abuser and the survivor so that maybe we can change the abuser's behavior too. So it's a very different approach. UC Davis has a huge, uh, huge section on, uh, uh, parent partners and their behavior. probably one of my favorite populations to teach and they are people that have, uh, been successful in child welfare.
They've had their kids in foster care and they've gotten them back. They've reunified with their kids and those parent partners help current partner, current parents get through this system. So it's changed a lot and I'm very proud of being a social worker right now, um, but we have a long, long way to go.
Thank you.
I think if you're doing anything too much, if you're eating too much, you're having too many relationship problems, you're smoking. I. You know, I, I still see a lot of smoking and so, um, I
think it's, again, just like you've said before, it's understanding the science, really understanding, you know, what, what damage it does to our body physically. And once you know that it does that, that it actually can shorten your life, you know, that, that you can have serious consequences. And, you know, um, one of the things I think is.
Is, is just ginormous, which is probably an inappropriate word to use is the eating disorders that happen around people in the helping fields, because, you know, you're eating your stress. And if you're a social worker, right, you're, you're, you're, you know, you're grabbing a sandwich somewhere because you didn't go to lunch.
Right. So, I mean, there's all of that. So really being aware of it, hopefully, you know, the book that, that we put out in the next year. You know, we'll help people, uh, avoid that. And I think just, just like being on this podcast, Heather is just letting people aware of it, because for me, you know, um, knowing that I wasn't the only person going through something.
It's so healing because it makes you reach out and connect and go, Oh my God, I thought it was the only one that felt this way.
We've got a short name for that. We have to figure out a short name for secondary traumatic stress in the helping fields, but we're, we're, we're going to plug away.
Oh, there's a catchy about that. So
I think just, you know, um, Facebook really is my jam for, um, for whatever reason, I have a pretty interactive Facebook page, so it's, um, the side of alcohol on Facebook and it's a private, private, um, uh, Facebook page, um, with about 25, 000 people of that can be private and, you know, just reach out to me, you know, if you want to put my, uh, this side of alcohol, Gmail, whatever.
I love talking to people, so I really appreciate it. Thanks.
Thank you.
π And that's a wrap for today's episode of the Peripeteia Podcast, a talk show for women. Don't forget to download my free ebook, The 12 Truths to Change Your Life. Do it for the plot. We'll see you in the next episode. Lots of love.
