Raising Kids with Special Needs

 Celeste Yvonne
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[00:01:37] Heather Lowe: Hi Celeste, welcome to the Peripeteia podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. I've been like, um, a fan of yours since day one, I think. I don't know. I think you're an excellent writer. In love with your writing, you're the author of It's Not About the Wine, The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture. You've also been a marketing professional and, of course, a mom, and a lot of your work is around sobriety, But also the mental load of motherhood.
And so I know that's what we're going to discuss today, and specifically mothering children with special needs. And I want to thank you in advance for your openness, because I can't think of a more tender topic to talk about. So I appreciate you. Thank you for being here.
[00:02:30] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah, thank you for having me, Heather.
And I'm really excited to talk about something that. We don't talk about a lot, certainly, um, not in sobriety spaces, but in motherhood or parenting in general. So I think it's timely, it's interesting, and it's generally, uh, not something that Uh, we have conversations about,
[00:02:53] Heather Lowe: yeah, motherhood, favorite, favorite topic of mine.
And I'm glad we've gotten to meet in person to at the, she recovers conference in Chicago. So I feel personally connected to you having had lunch together and, Oh my gosh, your support and setting up a booth and all that good stuff.
[00:03:08] Celeste Yvonne: That's right.
[00:03:09] Heather Lowe: Can you take us back and start from the beginning? Can you share a little bit about your child and your children and their condition and what they were diagnosed as and kind of how you recognize that you were a parent of children with special needs?
[00:03:27] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah. I. I am a mother of two neurodivergent children, which is funny to say because I didn't even really know the true definition of neurodivergence probably seven or eight years ago. So, so much has changed, um, in this journey. I have two kids ages eight and 10 and what I realized pretty early on with our first child was.
Something was different and we were getting notifications from preschool that this something wasn't something people liked or wanted to see. Uh, it was problematic. It was behavior issues. Uh, a lot of finger pointing, a lot of blaming, a lot of, uh, you need to attend this parenting class, you need to read these parenting books like it really felt like my husband and I were issue at bay, certainly not the kids, and still not the kids.
But we took it to heart, and we really carried that, that blame. And. Felt like we were completely failing in our parenting, just simply based on how teachers and administrators were Speaking to us on our oldest child's problems. And, you know, when I look back on some of these problems, you know, we were talking, we're talking about behavioral issues with a three year old, you know, things that make me shake my head now in disbelief at the amount of shame that I felt like we carried around this, without even considering what
alternative reasons might be for some of this behavior. Uh, and I recognize teachers and administrators probably see the whole spectrum of different parenting, but, um, it would have been nice to get the benefit of the doubts a little bit. Uh, in these earlier days, uh, when this started happening, when my oldest is 3, I went to the doctor, the pediatrician, and I told him what was going on.
I was scared. I genuinely did hold on to a lot of this struggle in internally. Uh, people were telling me this, uh, was my issue to deal with and I believed them, but I also wanted a professional's opinion. And when we talked to the doctor, he said, you know, based on the behaviors, you're telling me your child's too young for us to, Even test him, uh, for anything, , what I can specifically say to you is children like this need structure, consistency, and routine.
And it was in that moment really when my heart dropped because up until then, I didn't know what I was doing wrong as a mom. But when he said that, I innately knew that my drinking was keeping me from providing any of those three, not to the ability I could be providing them. I could not offer him consistency, structure, and routine when I was constantly several glasses of wine deep or dealing with a hangover.
Uh, it was hard enough for me to regulate myself, let alone try to regulate what might be a neurodivergent child. So that was such a call to action moment for me. And of course I did not quit drinking that day because it takes time to let things settle in your head and work, work its way out. But that was one of the very first aha moments I had that led to my sobriety, which would happen about a month later.
And, um, It was very profound for me. We wouldn't get my child's autism diagnosis for several more years. but when we did, I was several years. I was able to provide consistency, structure, and routine, and we felt good about the way we were showing up, the way we were parenting, uh, how we could best support our children.
Uh, so we could immediately take that off the table. Uh, and it felt really, there's a lot of conviction and knowing what was going on versus what we knew wasn't going on. And I'm genuinely grateful for my sobriety in those early years when we didn't know. We didn't know the origin story. of what some of these behaviors were coming from.
[00:08:52] Heather Lowe: Wow, that is so powerful. So, first of all, special needs versus neurodivergent, are those different things? Are those the same things as one appropriate and one not? Can you educate me a little bit on that?
[00:09:07] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah, I, I think, I'm certainly not an expert in the verbatim. When I talk about a child with special needs, uh, I generally talk about my oldest child who needs accommodations.
Um, he's on an IEP at school. He works with an ABA therapist. Uh, he sees a psychiatrist. I mean, he has special needs. He has individualized needs, uh, versus when I talk about children neurodivergence, I am sometimes referring to my younger child who has ADHD, but he does not have an IEP. He doesn't even have a 504.
We recognize that his brain works a little bit differently, but he is able to show up in a standard school setting and do well.
[00:10:00] Heather Lowe: Thank you. Yeah, that makes sense. So, this is very interesting because you're a new parent and what new parent. I mean, none of us know any of it, right? There's not the manual for any of us, so we're all doing the best we can, and we're all not doing it perfectly, and we know that.
And there's nothing we care more about than this. There's nothing we want to be good at more than mothering. It matters so much to us. So I know for me, it's the thing I would be the most defensive about, right? Because I care so much about that. And then when your little one, your first one is three years old.
I mean, first of all, I always say, three year olds are the cutest they're ever going to be and the most terrible they're ever going to be just by the age of being three right they are so I think it's the cutest age, and it's you know horrible because they're trying to assert their independence and You know, you really have to practice patience during, during those three year old years, but you don't have another three year old with your first, so you don't know what's normal or not normal and what's age related and developmental related and your child's personality and what is something that's more concerning, but when there's behavior issues at preschool You're looking to those teachers and administrators to be the experts because they've seen other three year olds, they know they're schooled in the behavior of three year olds, and they're telling you something's wrong with your parenting, and you're believing them because you don't know anything different, and the first finger to point is at yourself, I'm sure, your own worst critic, like we all are, And then when you take your child to the pediatrician, he says, there's no diagnosis, but here's some things that can help.
And you're able to recognize maybe there is something you can do. That's a real surrender, Celeste, I mean, that's, that's like a fall to your knees. I'm proud of you for looking at that. You say it took a month to quit drinking. I feel like I knew that. And then it took me a lifetime to quit drinking.
[00:12:09] Celeste Yvonne: When I got those words from the pediatrician, it felt genuinely empowering, even before I connected it to my drinking, because it felt like something I could actually.
Do something I could actually do differently. Whereas with the admins and the teachers telling us to read parenting books and go to parenting classes, we were, we were doing everything the parenting books were telling us to do. We were absorbing as much information as we could on, uh, the, the parenting styles.
and strategies and discipline that the preschool was recommending and using. So that felt really frustrating because we're like, we're implementing exactly what you have told us to and you're still Pointing the finger at us blaming us. Um, that felt, exhausting, but also, um, like there, there was genuinely nothing more we could do.
, it did not feel helpful. Whereas the pediatricians advice was so basic bare bones. Um, I felt like it was something that any, any even great parent could do better consistency structure routine. That is something we could probably all work on developing. Um, I can work on that for myself probably every day for the rest of my life and still never be perfect at it.
So I think when you have a child who is showing unique behavior, uh, or you're worried about with whether it's anxiety or, um, anything that kind of sets them apart, all of a sudden you have to go into this deep dive of learning. About things you have never known a thing about before. And I have learned so much about neurodivergence and, um, autism and A DHD and activism and IEPs and 504s.
I mean, like I have this whole dictionary of new words that I had to learn about. Based on what we were discovering about our children that I had no idea, you know, this doesn't come in the parenting books. Nobody's expecting this. And yet no one else is going to advocate for our kids. It's, it's my job.
It's our job. Uh, and it's probably my hardest and most important job. so, when I became a mom, I didn't expect this new learning curve, but now that I'm here and with the diagnosis. It does create this huge opportunity to be an expert on our children in a way that we couldn't be without understanding the why.
[00:15:20] Heather Lowe: Yeah, I love that too, because you've grown into, it's not the teachers, the administrators or the doctors, that's the expert on your child, it's you. And so that's, that's beautiful thing to grow into. . structure, I love it, the structure, consistency, routine. I mean, that's basically your recipe for sobriety also in the beginning, am I right?
[00:15:43] Celeste Yvonne: Right.
[00:15:43] Heather Lowe: And so, what were some of those things that you immediately implemented in addition to evaluating your own drinking in your family life or in your parenting? Do you recall?
[00:15:54] Celeste Yvonne: I mean, it was a while ago, but I do remember As far as routine, we did write down a structured routine and we started talking to our child about it.
At first, We thought he was too young to understand basic routines. Um, he was only three, but as a child who does not like surprises, who doesn't like being caught off guard, it was really important to set him up each day to succeed by telling him what the plan was. No surprises. Even the day before tomorrow, you're going to grandma's house tomorrow.
We are having a family party and here's the expected behavior. Uh, and here's, what's going to happen if you, uh, if you decide to wander off or if, um, you get angry, like, this is what we're going to do. And just kind of provide those.
loving boundaries.
[00:17:01] Heather Lowe: Yeah, guardrails.
[00:17:02] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah, that, that our, our child knew what to expect and what kind of behavior he could go into it with versus what will make us leave the environment. Uh, that's really where we started a lot of those conversations that I don't think we were having before.
[00:17:23] Heather Lowe: Yeah, that's great. And then it would be what, three years later where he would get an official diagnosis.
Is that what I'm hearing? And what was your, you and your family, how did you react to that? How did that feel to you?
[00:17:38] Celeste Yvonne: At first, you know, we really resisted the autism diagnosis. I think because I was so uneducated, I didn't know what that meant. I was, it just felt so unfamiliar when I thought of autism. I thought of.
"Rain Man."
[00:17:55] Heather Lowe: Yeah, I was gonna say, I'm sure we all have, um, a stigma or a movie in our mind, same as like alcoholism, what that looks like, right? Yeah.
[00:18:05] Celeste Yvonne: So, my child doesn't look anything like what I perceived autism to be. Uh, so when we first had a doctor come back to us and say he suspected autism and to get more tests, we kind of brushed it aside and said, okay, time for a second opinion.
And we got a second opinion that this was ADHD and a, and a myriad of other, um, acronyms. But not autism. And we were like, okay, we're going to run with this. And we started going through what a child with these types of neurodivergence needs, and we started working with the school on a 504, which is like a level down from an IEP.
Um, and that, that was the beginning. Uh, it wouldn't be till a year later when we were still struggling. We were still having trouble with. School behavior, tantrums, those things that we went to a another doctor who specialized in autism and the waiting list to get on, to get these diagnoses such as autism, I think it was over a year.
Uh, so by the time we got the autism diagnosis from somebody who could diagnose with autism, and it was probably a year and a half after the original diagnosis. But by then, I think we knew this is absolutely what's going on and we had better education around it and better understanding of the different levels of autism, how You know, they always say, if you know, one person with autism, you know, one person with autism.
So we've, we've learned so much in these days. Um, and it, like I said, when we got his autism diagnosis, we, I wasn't scared at all. I wasn't upset at all. I would, I felt even further empowerment, like, okay. We know what's going on. Let's go.
[00:20:22] Heather Lowe: What a model you are, Celeste, of flexing your ideas. And when presented with new information, being able to evolve and change your mind, what initially felt like, "Oh, hell no, that's not it.
You're wrong." You grew in, you allowed yourself to grow into that over time. I think that's. I mean, I think that's a lesson for everybody listening and anything that you were able to do that. I mean, you were able to do that by hearing your pediatrician different than the teachers and by allowing and continuing to research this diagnosis until it did feel right to you.
So what was your child's behavior? I mean, I'm hearing tantrums, wandering off...
[00:21:03] Celeste Yvonne: Explosive behavior. inability to stay regulated. Um, his response when things didn't go his way, felt very not aligned with what didn't go his way. and then social cues, just social cues in general were extremely challenging.
He wasn't making eye contact. He wouldn't say hi to people. And this infuriated people. I mean, it blows my mind now too, like how upset people would get that our child is so rude. He doesn't say hi and bye to them. He doesn't make eye contact with them. And you know, at the time I was like, okay, well we can work on that.
Uh, and now to be like, it's, I mean, this is like one of the key factors of autism. It's going to be harder for my child to do some things, uh, and you know, we, we will always work on it. You know, I don't, I don't give them a permission slip not to try to say hi and bye to people and I just need to prompt them.
I have to prompt him on a lot of things that people don't need prompts in at his age. So, you know, it's, it was a lot of little things, um, but it was things that can and did have severe impact on his ability to adjust in school, his ability to have a relationship with his brother. I mean, there was Multiple things that impeded his day to day functioning that he needed help with, still does.
[00:22:49] Heather Lowe: Mm hmm. Yeah. Daily challenges. Definitely. , how did you manage this? And, or, I mean, I imagine with an explosive child , I mean, your nervous system gets dysregulated immediately. If you're me anyways, when my child is out of sorts that I'm my intensity level gets high fast too. Right.
And then how about the relationship between you and your spouse, parenting?? Were you guys on the same page? Did this create conflict between you of how to manage things, how to deal with things?
[00:23:23] Celeste Yvonne: It is very hard to stay regulated, and I've learned that I am such a conflict averse person and I'm raising a conflict Thriving child. Mm-Hmm. . Um, my child loves. To be confrontational. He...
[00:23:42] Heather Lowe: ...threw that pot.
[00:23:44] Celeste Yvonne: He loves it. He thrives stirring people up and I am the exact opposite. So it is so out of my comfort zone.
He has taught me so much,
not only about myself, but about things I need to change about myself. And also he On the daily provides me reminders. Why alcohol would make this so much worse.
[00:24:08] Heather Lowe: Yeah. I was going to say, I mean, he could credit him, but he also got you sober.
[00:24:11] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah. And he keeps me sober. but I can also see why so many parents of children on the spectrum or general neurodivergence do turn to alcohol and drugs to numb out, because this is a nonstop fight or flight feeling.
Um, that's for some, for some people raising children with, special needs will never they're forever parents. So, I totally understand that. Uh, but I also realized that for me, it was the worst thing I could do for myself. And for my kids, as far as the parenting, you know, it's something we still struggle with.
Um, it's really hard to find the balance between the way our parents raised us and what we think our children need. And I think that is a conflict that a lot of partners deal with when you are talking about children who think differently
[00:25:22] Heather Lowe: and partners were raised differently also, right, and perhaps they were the right way or the wrong way either way, wanting to do something the same or different.
Yeah, so there's a natural. Difference of opinions with all of that sort of escalated to a whole new intensity with a child with special needs and things are a little extra challenging anyways.
[00:25:44] Celeste Yvonne: I read a book, uh, forever boy by Kate Swenson, uh, and she said this startling statistic about the percentage of partners with a child on the autism spectrum who get divorced.
I mean, it was something, and I don't want to say the number cause I'll be making it up, but it was something to the extent that I was like, wow, we are, you know, in the vast minority of still being together because this is so challenging. Yes.
[00:26:22] Heather Lowe: Super hard, super hard. Um, but you're doing it, you're still doing it and you're a united force.
Even when you're not, so that's, that's also commendable. How do you balance caring for your child and then also tending to yourself and your marriage?
[00:26:42] Celeste Yvonne: It's really hard.
[00:26:43] Heather Lowe: You're like, I don't, my marriage, he lives here.
[00:26:48] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah, I see him sometimes. We wave when we're, yeah, right, we're right, well, when we pass in the morning, um, it's been really hard.
Uh, my, my husband's the primary breadwinner. So, um, a couple of years ago, we made the really hard decision, um, that I would step down from my job. Um, I was in corporate marketing for 20 years. And be home, uh, to essentially constantly be available and on call I'm basically an on call 24/7 mom. That's, that's kind of what it, I mean, every mom is an on call 24/7 mom, but there's no debate or argument between me and my husband of who's going to stay home when a kid's sick, who's going to pick up a child when he's having a bad day, those kinds of things.
There's no question. That's my job. That's my job. now. That's my job. In the near future, um, until things change because days are so unpredictable even now, you know, I mean, we're talking what four or five years into the diagnosis and I expect a phone call from school anytime at any time during the day. If I don't get a phone call from school, it's a small miracle.
And I genuinely am grateful for those days, but I'm always ready, you know, and I think that's what we, and we are so privileged that I can do that. And I work when I'm home, I do little things, you know, I did my book, I, um,
[00:28:32] Heather Lowe: which is not a little thing, either.. I know.
[00:28:34] Celeste Yvonne: I wrote a little book. I do little passion projects that are certainly not, they're not paying the bills per se, but they, um, they are. Things that bring me so much joy, uh, that I can do for myself when, um, time allows itself essentially. And that's where my life is at right now. And sometimes it cuts deep and other times I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful because I get to have this front seat for my children.
I get to be their greatest advocate, but I also get to be their biggest cheerleader and the first person they go to for anything. Um, and that brings me so much joy because I love them more than anything.
[00:29:30] Heather Lowe: Yeah, because you it's the most world's most important job. Like we said, I was going to ask you to describe a typical day, but I'm hearing there is no typical day.
But what would be typical is getting a call from school and having to drop everything to run and just our listeners. So when we had a little call to prep this call, you were in the middle of that school run, right? So it's, um, yeah, it can come up at any time. I also just want to say, um, Eve, um, Rodsky, my queen of fair play.
And like, just because it's unpaid work doesn't mean it's not valuable work. And I can't think of more valuable work than raising children. So I'm definitely with you on that. It is a privilege and it is hard and it is all the things. Um, but so important and there's no paycheck for that. If there was, it's a lot.
I mean, if we did our hourly rate, right. And all the chauffeuring and the tutoring and the cooking and the wellness and the carpool and all the things, it would be, um, a pretty expensive job. What support do you have? Do you have support systems, family, friends, or community resources that have been helpful to you?
[00:30:41] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah. So we. My mom has been probably, she's almost like a third parent. She is always available and she has this very special relationship with my oldest. Um, they are very close. Uh, so we feel really blessed to have that. We just moved her into a in law Space in our house. Uh, so she is living with us now with some boundaries.
Um, and I'm really grateful for that because, uh, When my child needs to deescalate, sometimes he just needs grandma. I mean, it's sometimes that's what it comes down to. So, uh, we're really lucky that we have her and she's available and willing and they are so close. Uh, we also have been working with an ABA therapist.
I mean, since the pandemic, so four years now, um, who is not only our, um, ABA therapists. For both kids, but she is our IEP advocate for my oldest. , she knows the kids extremely well. Uh, and we talk to her about just about anything and everything. Uh, so that's been extremely helpful. The, the best, one of the great benefits of getting the autism diagnosis is it really opens the doors for insurance coverage.
And so the ABA therapy we were receiving, um, is almost 100 percent covered now, uh, with that autism diagnosis. So that's been a huge benefit. She also can join my oldest in the classroom and help him one on one, uh, several hours a week. Um, so there's been a lot of support there. And then of course, Our school system has been a lifeline to us.
he has a whole IEP team. Um, we have a principal right now who knows him so well and she wants to see him thrive. It is a beautiful thing and I, I'm heartbroken because we are going to be switching schools for him, , in the new year because our team agreed that he needs some specialized support that the current school can't offer him, but it's a really rare thing to come across a principal or school admin who gets it and who wants to build that relationship, uh, with a child who sometimes has a will of his own.
And so, um, feeling really blessed and grateful for that team and hoping and praying that we can find new support systems as life changes because it always does.
[00:33:47] Heather Lowe: And what if, have you encountered barriers to accessing services?
[00:33:51] Celeste Yvonne: we've encountered a lot of barriers in general. Um, as far as access goes, I think one of the hardest parts can be for, for people who have children with special needs is financially, especially if you don't have a diagnosis yet, but also these wait lists.
I mean, being able to access a doctor, being able to, um, schedule an autism evaluation or any evaluation, uh, can take months, if not years, depending on where you live. Uh, and when you are dealing with day to day struggles at your school, or if your child was just kicked out of school, I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've just gone to bed crying because.
Like, what are we even going to do tomorrow? You know, we can't wait a year for a diagnosis before we can move forward with getting support. So, um, there's some real challenges with, um, those types of things. And I guess my advice to anybody who is in the murky middle there, who may be struggling at the current school, but has nowhere else to go.
is, um, to look around and to ask questions and to find, uh, a group like Autism Speaks. There are organizations, um, throughout, uh, national or local, uh, that offer resources, to help and to support us on this journey that, uh, don't cost money. And, uh, hopefully if they don't have the answers, They will know someone who does
[00:35:44] Heather Lowe: great advice.
So how do you advocate for your child? Like with the educational system or the medical system or in social settings, when he doesn't say hi or make eye contact and appears rude to a stranger, what are some of the best ways you've been able to advocate?
[00:36:03] Celeste Yvonne: Depends on the person. Some people want to be educated.
Some people don't, you know, some people want to, Be in control and they're not interested in learning more. And that's, that's fine. You know, we've, we've had this struggle between school settings and even family and home settings. Uh, some people think an autism diagnosis is an excuse, an excuse for bad behavior.
I mean, we have heard it all, uh, in, in the few years, um, of our experience with this. Uh, and. I have made a lot of peace with understanding to each his own, but there are times where I have to get mama bear on people. I had to do that this summer. Uh, we got kicked out of a summer camp, um, because, I didn't like the way, uh, an admin.
Spoke to my kid. And, um, I I said that, you know, and they they didn't want to understand. They didn't want to have the conversation. It was very authoritarian. Like, I'm I'm the big boss. Everyone needs to listen to me. It wasn't a conversation. And, um, so we had to leave that summer camp. Uh, so it still happens.
and it probably, I suppose it always will be an issue. Uh, but I really had this moment this summer with that whole situation where I was like, I could, you know, I could bow down and be like, you're right. And walk away, which is what my conflict avoidant person self wants to do in just about every setting.
Or I can show my kids That when someone doesn't treat them right, I've got their back. And so I, I felt like for me, it wasn't about the summer camp, right? It wasn't even about this person. It was about my kids, knowing I've got them, you know, when, and, um, we have rules in our family, and one of the rules is I won't let people talk to you this way, just as with my kids, I won't let them talk to each other a certain way.
I'm not going to let somebody else talk to you this way, especially when you are still young and can't defend yourself. So when I stood up to an adult who, um, I felt like, , was being severely disrespectful, um, it was really hard and really scary, but I'm proud of that. I'm proud. I get to do that. I'm proud.
I get to be that person as hard as it is and as uncomfortable as it is. And you know what? . I don't think I would have ever done that if I was still drinking. I think, I think I just would have drank at, the problem.
[00:39:18] Heather Lowe: To stand up and let your kids see it.
And, um, mom to mom, I am a proud mom of a child that was also kicked outta preschool. So United, you are not alone. We are never alone .
[00:39:31] Celeste Yvonne: I love it.
[00:39:32] Heather Lowe: Yeah.
[00:39:32] Celeste Yvonne: And, and when you're going through it, it feels like you are. The only people who have ever done this, who have ever been through this, it feels very lonely and isolating, but to know that this happens to a lot of people
feels
like in the same way that you go into a sober meeting and you're like, Oh my God, other people have been through this too.
It feels so, um, it just, the, the grace that enters your system. Uh, there's nothing like it.
[00:40:01] Heather Lowe: Yeah. And the secrecy and the shame of it is, um, dissipated when shared out loud, right? Yeah. So, yeah, you are not alone. How do you take care of your own emotional and mental health now while caring for your child?
[00:40:15] Celeste Yvonne: I don't.
I'm just kidding.
[00:40:16] Heather Lowe: How can we help you with that? I'm a life coach, you know. There's a free complimentary call. Please schedule with me, Celeste.
[00:40:24] Celeste Yvonne: I know, I know.
[00:40:26] Heather Lowe: You make it your homework assignment.
[00:40:27] Celeste Yvonne: Time to talk. Yeah. Uh, I, I do multiple things to take care of myself. I prioritize my therapy. I have therapy right after this, this interview.
I prioritize, uh, exercise. I can't do it daily. I wish I could do it daily. I can't do it daily, but I strive for two to three times a week. Uh, and my family knows that's a priority for me. I also prioritize writing. Whatever kind of writing that is right now. I'm working on a fiction book, which is so out of my comfort zone and element.
Um, but it's been really fun and, you know, it's just going into it with no expectations, no, even assumption that anybody else will even read this. It's just feels like I'm just having fun and that feels really good. Um, so, and then I told you before we started recording that I'm going to. Go off on a sober retreat tomorrow.
You know, I do try to do things regularly and it gets easier to schedule these things as the kids get older, uh, because, you know, for several years, it wasn't an option, you know, taking a vacation without kids wasn't an option. Me going on a sober retreat wasn't an option. And now these doors are kind of opening to me.
Um, and it feels really good and I take advantage of it.
[00:41:56] Heather Lowe: I love it. I love it that you're taking it now that it is available. And I love what you said about exercising, like you'd like to do it every day, but two to three times a week is, you know, reasonable or what works and then not beating yourself up on the days you don't do it for not doing it.
That's what I've just recognized about myself. Like it's great to have ideals. It's great to have goals, but it's the way you approach yourself, you know, in the realism. Of it, like I'm not going to beat myself because I didn't work out today because working out every day can't be a priority to me. There's other priorities as well, right?
[00:42:29] Celeste Yvonne: That's not the era I'm in right now.
[00:42:33] Heather Lowe: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the five balls in the air every day, you get to pick three or two, you know, if you're and if you get a call from school, then maybe just one.
[00:42:42] Celeste Yvonne: Yeah, exactly.
[00:42:43] Heather Lowe: Exactly. Um, how do you prepare for your children's future as they grow older, you've kind of alluded to that there's a little more space for you, , you're finding yourself with a little more freedom.
What does it look like for them and for you?
[00:42:57] Celeste Yvonne: I, it's, I try not to think too far ahead. Uh, I don't necessarily know what to expect. You know, if you had told me this time last year that we would be switching schools midway through the year of my child's, last year in elementary school, I would have told you that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, but new information, new, um, resources and.
Advice and suggestions from your team is going to lead to changes in the way you think.
So
I feel like it's constantly changing. It's constantly evolving. The one thing I have learned with both my kids is, uh, never to put any sort of
premonitions or what I expect from them essentially, uh, over them because They are their own people doing their own thing. Um, and they're going to build their own lives. You know, I, I think you have these visions of what your child will be when you are pregnant or even before that. And then they come and, you know, I, I pictured myself being a soccer mom.
I pictured myself being a basketball. I don't know. I, I pictured myself having these really sports oriented, uh, kids. Cause that's how I was. And I have kids who my oldest wouldn't touch a ball with a 10 foot pole. Um, let alone. Be on a soccer team. He doesn't do well with team sports. Um, and it's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that that was my vision.
That was my dream. That's not his dream. And kind of setting those expectations aside and opening yourself up to the possibilities that they are genuinely endless and they are completely out of your control. So, um, I have kind of Let go of what this might look like, or be like, even in a couple of years, like, I don't know if I will still be at home in a couple of years, or if life will open opportunities back up for me to work again, I'm taking it one day at a time in every
[00:45:29] Heather Lowe: Yeah, that sounds good. No hope, no hope, no concern, just in the here and now. Also, I love, and I have to tell myself and plenty of clients, you parent the children you have, not the children you want. Right.
[00:45:43] Celeste Yvonne: And I think we've all tried to parent children we thought they'd be, and it never goes well. Um, there's a lot of pushback for good reason.
Uh, I do not have people pleasing kids. Neither of my kids are. Are going to do something because they think it'll make me happy. And while that makes me really uncomfortable as a people pleaser myself, it also excites me because these are not kids who are going to cave into peer pressure, you know, knock on wood.
These are not kids who are going to let someone treat them poorly in a relationship or, uh, in a career when they're older, like they. know how to speak up when they're angry. They know how to stand up to, uh, things that upset them. And that's rillsto me, um, because I didn't have that, you know, I still don't in some ways.
So they are very different than me. And in that way, I, I just have to get out of their way. .
[00:46:55] Heather Lowe: Yeah, I hear you. I got one that speaks her mind and always has. It's like, as a people pleaser myself, it's like, Oh my God.
[00:47:02] Celeste Yvonne: What will your teacher think? I probably think that four or five times a day. Like, Oh my God, what's his teacher going to think?
[00:47:10] Heather Lowe: Yeah, she probably thinks he's wonderful, just like you, right? What advice would you give to other parents who are just beginning their journey with a special needs child? And if you can touch on it's two questions, um, the brothers, the relationship between brothers when one's needs are more than, than the other and kind of how that works.
[00:47:30] Celeste Yvonne: advice I would give to someone with a special needs child or who suspects they have a special needs child is to find People to talk to; now that can be a community and, you know, you can probably find a community on Facebook. I just looked up special needs advocacy and special needs parenting in my local community, and there are several groups that I joined, but you can also find it.
through some of these larger organizations like autism speaks, look them up, find other parents. Doing what you're doing because they are the ones who have been through what you're going through or about to go through, and they can give you the advice, um, or just make you feel less alone. And that is such a powerful resource in these early days when it feels like you can't do anything right.
When it feels like nobody understands when even your doctor is looking at you, like there's nothing I can do. That's what you can do now. You can get educated and you can find people who have been through this.
[00:48:41] Heather Lowe: A support group for you for this unique journey, right?
[00:48:45] Celeste Yvonne: 100%. Super important. Um, there's even, you know, there are groups that like sober mom squad, we have a subgroup on parenting children with special needs.
I mean, you'll, if you look around, I think you'll be surprised with what's out there. There's also a ton of people on social media who talk about this. So you could also just do some searches on your favorite social media platform and find people who are having these conversations about what it's like raising a child with special needs.
. The second question, around siblings. This is one of the more challenging parts of this. And for my husband and I, I think the most important thing we have done is making sure Our younger child gets the same amount of attention, the same amount of extracurriculars.
Uh, and as best we can, you know, , there's going to ebb and flow when a different child has more needs than the other child. When you have a child who has a lot of extra needs. It can feel like they get all the attention, but with my husband and I, we have really worked hard to make sure our youngest knows .
There are times consistently where he only gets our attention. We, we've done this with a weekly date night where at once a week we switch kids and I take one child. My husband takes the other and we have a date with them and we do that every single week and we have for years. And it's something our kids look forward to, and it reminds them that, uh, we have their backs, um, because you do hear a lot about a sibling of a child on the spectrum or otherwise who feels like they got the short end of the stick.
And I never want that. , my kids to feel like that, um, but we're just doing the best we can.
[00:51:07] Heather Lowe: Yeah, that's a lot. And the individual relationship with each child and each parent versus the collective or the, the group thing is a special addition to that.
[00:51:18] Celeste Yvonne: The other thing we do that I think has just been so good for our relationships with the kids is we switch nights every night.
With our children, um, I'll read to one child, my husband will read to the other child, and then, um, we lay with them for a little bit, and we have done that, probably since they were born, since the day they were born, essentially. So, um, they get special time with us, they get the individual time with us, and it.
It's fair like that, that's a big argument at our home. That's not fair. We're trying to be as fair as we can. We're, you know, we're trying to make it as equal as we can. Um, and we, we, we do the best we can.
[00:52:03] Heather Lowe: Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. And understanding that things change, right? And ebb and flow in needs. And in this moment, it might be on one.
And in the next moment, it might be back on you, you know, depending on what's going on. Everything's not all fair all the time, right?
[00:52:20] Celeste Yvonne: No, it can't be.
[00:52:21] Heather Lowe: Right, right. Final question. How has your experience as a parent of a child with special needs changed your perspective on life?
[00:52:30] Celeste Yvonne: I think as a mom, I have learned a lot. To let go of this desire to control outcomes, people, feelings, other people's opinions of me. I do think that that has really intensified with raising kids with special needs, you know, through a lot of the conflict we've experienced through a lot of the challenges, the school transitions, things that probably most parents.
of neurotypical kids don't generally deal with. Um, it really has added to this understanding that most of it is out of my control. And my goal is to ride the waves. You know, to stay on the surfboard. And sometimes I don't, you know, sometimes I fall off. I'm human, but, um, I'm always going to get back up and I want my kids to know I will always get back up.
I will always, be there, um, as best as I can, um, through the ups and downs of it. , but a lot of these waves are way beyond my control. Um, and, and that's okay. And That doesn't make me a bad mom. That doesn't make them bad kids. That's just how life goes. And um, my job is to learn how to take this one day at a time, to stay as emotionally regulated as possible and to teach my kids how to as well.
[00:54:12] Heather Lowe: A beautiful lesson. And it has. forced you to be your best version of self. I mean, it's taught you all the things, all the life lessons, like any challenge does, I think everything's like sobriety because of course I do, but truly you've taken the, the higher road, the path to enlightenment yourself and to addressing the lessons as they're coming your way, facing the wave.
And staying on your board right as best you can, I think that has evolved you into your best version of you. That's really beautiful, Mama. Thank you for sharing with us.
[00:54:49] Celeste Yvonne: Thank you. I so appreciate getting to talk more about this topic because it's an important one.
[00:54:54] Heather Lowe: So important. So I know my listeners, so many of my clients, um, do have kids with special needs and it is a unique challenge and everyone needs a unique support group for that, not to mention The, the mother load, the literal mental load of motherhood is so much so we need to talk more about it.
So thank you for sharing it with us. Um, it's not about the wine, everybody, buy her book, The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture. She's a beautiful writer. I can't wait To read the fiction book when and if that becomes available for public eyes. I have a guest coming up who's written Um a non fiction and then switched to fiction.
So hopefully you'll listen tune in to that too But so good to connect with you. Have a beautiful therapy appointment today. Thank you for sharing with us, Celeste. Thank you, heather
and that's a wrap for today's episode of the Peripeteia podcast, a talk show for women.
[00:55:52] Heather Lowe: The Peripeteia podcast is sponsored by Sunnyside. I could not ask for a better partner. Thanks, Sunnyside! And don't forget to download my free ebook, The 12 Truths to change your life. Do it for the plot. \ , We'll see you in the next episode. Lots of love. .