Perip. - Katey Distefano
[00:00:00] Heather Lowe: Hey, babe, and welcome to the Parapatea podcast, a talk show for women. This is the place to talk about how we're ditching our bad habits, long held patterns, and limiting beliefs. The time is now to stop outsourcing and start insourcing our happiness and bliss. Am I right? I'm Heather Lowe, your empowering life coach, ready to guide you on this incredible journey of self discovery, empowerment, and freedom.
If you're feeling stuck in the cycle and wondering what life could look like if you liberated yourself, Well, I've got something just for you. I created a free transformational guide to help you take those first empowering steps towards a healthier and more fulfilling life. The one that you desire. This guide is packed with practical tools, mindset shifts, Journal prompts that dig deep and real life insights to support you in making changes that truly stick.
So, if you're ready to explore what's possible, head over to DitchTheDrink. com and grab your free transformational guide today. Again, DitchTheDrink. com Trust me, you don't want to miss it. Now let's dive into today's episode and get inspired to create the life you deserve like so many other babes are doing right now, here we go.
Hi, welcome Katie DiStefano. Oh my gosh, did I say your last name right?
[00:01:33] Katey Distefano: You nailed it.
[00:01:34] Heather Lowe: Okay, good. Close enough. Welcome. I'm so glad that you're here. You're like a perfect example of why I started this podcast, just to trick people that I love and admire into coming to talk to me. And you said yes, which I cannot believe.
We met on Instagram. You're a writer, an influencer, a content creator. You are a freaking comedian. And, um, I adore you and I warned you for this call, like be careful cause I'm going to probably ask you to be my co host here cause I just love you. We're going to talk about all the things, the middle aged things, right?
The pyramid and puzzle things. But I want to start with going back. I met you when I think you were recently divorced, going through a divorce or recently divorced. So can you take me back to when that was and where you were at that point in your life?
[00:02:24] Katey Distefano: Absolutely. So way, way back, I worked in publishing in Manhattan for 10 years.
And when I had my son, I started to stay at home, um, which I think was really the transformation for everything. I, I ran an Etsy business for eight years, I did all kinds of like MLM stuff. And I sold jewelry for like Stella and Dot. I don't know if we're allowed to say like brands. Um, like I, yeah. I did kind of a little bit of everything.
I worked on this really big startup project that fizzled out and I think really affected my marriage. So 2010, I stopped working in the city in 2017, after a bunch of years of just me really drinking heavily, um, my ex husband asked for a divorce. So before then, I had just started my blog and I was creating content to go with my blog on Instagram and Facebook, and When he left, I was just like, all right, well, I can't really be that funny right now.
So I'm just going to be raw and just like be myself and use, you know, this platform to just share, just share, you know, um, I do have a writing degree. So my background is in writing. I always, I always wanted to be a writer. Um, and so I was really feeling like that pull to write again and start to create again.
Um, that's where my blog got its name, Octopus. That's where my handle came from because It's kind of tragic, but the female octopus, when she's pregnant, she lays her eggs and then she guards them, um, like meticulously the whole time that they're growing. So she depletes herself of food, she doesn't hunt, she doesn't eat anything, and she just withers away.
And once the eggs hatch and the baby octopuses are born, the mother dies. Oh, tragic and dark, but it also, I thought was a great, so relatable. It was so relatable to me as a mom because I had these kids and I just was staying at home and I was giving them everything. And I just lost my identity completely.
And I was so lost and sick from the drinking. And I didn't know I was clinically depressed, had no idea. Um, so it did that to me, I think, because I just didn't, I was dealing with so many things at once. Um, so it led to my ex husband leaving, which completely shattered me. Um, and I used my platform a lot to pour into that.
And I did get a lot of new followers from that. I think it resonated just kind of being raw and open and, um. Talking about like how it's okay to feel like absolutely broken and like, you know, confused and you have your life ripped out from underneath you and you have little kids and, you know, I didn't make it look easy because I did not have an easy time of it at all.
And I struggle with having my parents still live far away. My dad has since passed away, but, um, my parents were six hours away, you know, and I live down here on the Island. So that was another thing, like not really having them here to, you know, like be with me and to help out and things like that. So, um, I just poured everything into my writing and, you know, As a writer, I think as any artist will tell you, like they do their best work in times of turmoil and struggle and, and that was definitely the case for me.
Um, so I think I had a lot of new followers during that time because I was still doing like funny stuff when I could. Um, but then just really writing just really honest stuff about my pain and turmoil. I
[00:06:14] Heather Lowe: think that's what the world craves and especially the social media world because we see a lot of what shiny and filtered is.
Right. And right. And that's great. I mean, that's inspo. That's our Pinterest board or something, right? We follow people that inspire us in that way, but true connection comes from sharing the pain and being real. And I bet you get that feedback. I do too. Like, Oh, you're just so real. But for me, a Wisconsin gal, it's like, I wouldn't know how to be any other way.
[00:06:43] Katey Distefano: I
[00:06:44] Heather Lowe: only know how to show up exactly as I am and people want that.
[00:06:50] Katey Distefano: Yeah. That was another thing that happened with me and like a lot of the other content creators that I met when I first started my journey. And I had like this little group of people that I'm still friends with today, that we all kind of shared each other's content and became really great friends.
Um, but it was at the time that blogging moms. We're doing like, you know, the whole, you know, white kitchen, white counter, perfectly, you know, everything. Kids are perfect. Hair is perfect. Makeup's perfect. Workout regimen. Like all of that. And then a bunch of, you know, a bunch of creators just kind of came in at that time, like wrecking balls being like, that is not what's happening.
[00:07:29] Heather Lowe: Oh, it's so refreshing when people are like, this is a regular house and there's laundry on the couch. Yeah. Like,
[00:07:33] Katey Distefano: and this is a regular
[00:07:34] Heather Lowe: house and there's stuff there.
[00:07:36] Katey Distefano: Right. Like, okay. We love to have them for aesthetic. Like, like you say, like inspiration, like, that's great. Like they're, it's nice to look at, but like, at the end of the day, this is what we're really like, we're messes and our kids are messed.
We lose our temper and our house is messy and there's boogers on the wall. And like, I am exhausted to the point where I don't want to get out of bed for five days. Like this is what really, I, I worried that like all of that, the messaging from like the perfect moms. Was doing more damage. So I was like, I can't pretend to be that.
So I'm just going to be myself,
[00:08:10] Heather Lowe: like, which is just so great because the perfect moms are, um, perfectionists and people, please, they got their own issues. They have to make it look good for their own, for their, because of their own issues. So yeah, realness is actually a sign of growth, humanity. That's beautiful.
Okay. So you had a big job. You're a, you're a, you're a go getter for sure. I mean, that's clear about you. And you're like, well, no, I lay in bed for five days straight, but it's like, you're also a go getter and you had this big job. Okay. Then you have kids. You dial it back. You're going to stay home. Your husband still has a job and you are hustling doing all these things on the side.
Um, trying to make money or trying to keep something for yourself or, uh, okay. Just, yeah. Okay. Hobbies and, um, income and trying to navigate how to do that while being home with the kids. Yeah. Which so many of us. Did.
[00:09:08] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Um,
[00:09:08] Heather Lowe: and there's no solution. People that go to work, people that stay home, people that try everything in between, it's all, it's all hard.
Yeah. Um, hence the mother Octopus who's just. changing her identity completely. Her priority has just changed completely. Yeah. Um, just to, you know, protect the, the babies. So. Yeah.
[00:09:27] Katey Distefano: And I think a lot of people don't, I mean, it may be a bad way to look at it, but I tell my friends who don't have kids yet, like, be careful because your children will consume you if you let them, like they will consume you until there's nothing left.
And that's what happened to me. Like I just lost everything. Because I was a mom and I had nothing else going on, really, that I could pull from. So, it was really bad for someone like me. You know, I can't say that it would ever be the same for anyone else. I don't necessarily want to say I understand everyone else's journey, like, because some women are made to be stay at home moms and they flourish and they love it and they get so much out of it.
And I, I, I was also getting a lot out of it, but I needed something else.
[00:10:12] Heather Lowe: So alcohol was a little bit the answer at that time, it seems it was the rise of mommy wine. I mean, if you're like me, it was the rise of mommy wine culture. It was socially acceptable and encouraged. And what you did need was, um, softening of the headspace, probably right.
And, uh, those evenings of dinnertime, bath time, bedtime are long. And wine takes the edge off of that. And it's a little bit boring to be on repeat like that with your kids answering the same questions and doing the thing. And we're also supposed to be so grateful for the opportunity to do this, right? So the guilt of like, I'm not loving this all the time.
I'm not loving conversations with, you know, three and five year olds or whatever. So wine is a good friend. I mean, for me, it was wine during that time. What was your experience? Is that when it sort of, you sort of went to alcohol and it started to escalate or had it always been there?
[00:11:02] Katey Distefano: Well, my struggle is genetic, I think, or was, I mean, I have been told by my therapist and my psychiatrist that I probably wasn't a full blown, like, alcoholic, um, because I was really only drinking in social situations, but I was drinking to black out when that would happen.
[00:11:20] Heather Lowe: Like, Oh, when you got a chance to get out, you were balls to the walls.
[00:11:23] Katey Distefano: Oh yeah. A hundred
[00:11:24] Heather Lowe: percent.
[00:11:25] Katey Distefano: And it wouldn't take a lot necessarily, like maybe four or five glasses of wine, which for some people, but like, That would do it for me, and, you know, a lot of times, I wouldn't remember the next morning if we had, if my husband and I had sex the night before, like, things like that which are problematic.
Right. You know what I mean? And I'm very sure that he was having these concerns and never really voicing them to me. Um, so, it kind of just went on unchecked. For a long time. And we were always drinking in social circles. Like I said, we had really close tight knit group of neighbors who had kids. And so we would walk to each other's houses all the time, like on weekends and we would do get togethers and we would all be as drunk as the next one.
You know, it wasn't like, I don't think it was like I was always the drunkest person in the room. I just think, um, we were all kind of doing it that way, but maybe other people were doing it for other reasons. I just knew for myself, it was. To go away. It was to numb out and be not in this life, which is sad.
And it's terrible for my children to hear that now, but, um, it wasn't them. It was me.
[00:12:39] Heather Lowe: It wasn't them. It was me. It was survival at the time and it was avoidance of the real things. I mean, me too. I poured alcohol on my thoughts because I didn't want to hear them, you know, and I was afraid of my marriage.
You know, which we, we survived through it, but I didn't know that we would. And I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to, you know, if I listened to myself, what decisions would I have to make and what consequences would there be? And I kind of didn't want to know what I thought about that. So alcohol numbed all that out.
It was an avoidance of me to me.
[00:13:12] Katey Distefano: Like all those things that I probably knew that my husband was feeling and thinking instead of us having a conversation about it. I drank more to hide how bad I was feeling about all of that.
[00:13:24] Heather Lowe: My
[00:13:24] Katey Distefano: father was a very big drinker. Um, and in my father's side of the family, I believe it ran kind of from his dad to my dad.
And my mother always warned me when I was little, like Katie, be careful, be careful because this stuff can be genetic. And I just, I don't want to see you go down like the same path that I've seen others go down in this family. So, um, And I'm not talking about like side of the road, like hobo. I'm talking about people who drink socially and drink too much and probably too often, uh, in my dad's case, it was different because he was the man.
Um, but you know, I just. I think that I was doing probably a lot of what he was doing to this is something that I need to really start focusing on writing about is my dad's my dad and my, my relationship with my father he passed away last December, um, and he had stopped drinking about two years before which actually caused some medical complications for him.
Um, but, uh, I just think understanding what he was going through when I was little, like looking back on it now as an adult and being like, I can't be mad at him because I am him and I understand, I understand he was drinking because of his circumstances that he grew up with. Yeah, he had a really mean dad.
He was one of seven kids, you know, like he, he didn't have it easy. He was drinking because he was trying to hide the pain of his childhood. So when I think of it that way, it almost makes me feel closer to him. Like I understand that instead of being mad at him for not being around as much or for me feeling abandoned by him.
I, I understand that those feelings are still there, but I also see. a human being in him and I feel compassion for
[00:15:25] Heather Lowe: him
[00:15:26] Katey Distefano: in that way because I know how it feels and to not have control over it and not really know why you're doing things but you're just doing them you know and a man in the 80s whatever he it was a different time in life for him but like um just seeing that kind of come out in me and feeling Like we were the same person, like you think you would grow up and be mad at your, your father who you're probably drinking because of to some
[00:15:52] Heather Lowe: extent,
[00:15:55] Katey Distefano: but then also have that empathy to be like, well, I get it.
Like, I understand he was doing it the same reason I'm doing it, you know, like, so it gives you kind of just a different perspective on things. And that's another thing about perimenopause is like becoming. A woman in this like, I'm so grateful that I get to be alive right now because it we would have never believed it right like when you were in your 20s you were terrified of becoming 40 and when you were 30 in your 30s, you dreaded becoming 40 like oh my god, here it comes.
And since then my husband left when I was 40. And so I mean a lot of the transformation that I've had since then and 47 now. Is because of that also, but just as a per like, just personally, I can see myself being like, whoa, this is gonna be frigging awesome. I love the person that I'm becoming. Mm, I love the woman that I'm becoming.
Mm-hmm . I don't know if I love the person I'm becoming. 'cause I still struggle with a lot of things. Like I said, I have a DHD, which is, which really I'm struggling with. I'm waiting to get maybe some new meds. Um, uh, but. I would not have guessed that I would be excited to be this age when I was younger. I would not have guessed.
And I'm totally freaking pumped.
[00:17:19] Heather Lowe: Oh, my God. I love it. I love it so much. First of all, your story with your dad is my story with my dad, too. So, it's just crazy. My dad also, um, had a real bad alcohol problem. Parents were divorced because of it. Abandonment. The whole thing. But he quit drinking when I was very young.
He didn't work any sort of program or anything, so he Um, found other ways to dysfunctionally deal with all of his issues, but he didn't drink and, um, he also passed away, you know, years ago and I was never sober. He didn't know that I got sober too. And I always want to like. Talk to him. I do talk to him.
Like, like we went, we both went through the flames and came out on the other side. Right. So, um, and now I see there's like a, he was also a bartender and there's an elk and he was a very, he's a very like, um, charismatic guy and likable guy and like for the party and all of that. And, um, whenever I'm at this alcohol free brewery.
I'm just like, I wish my dad could be behind that bar slinging these alcohol free beers. Like, he would have been so good at that and that opportunity was not available to him. You know, in the 80s, like you said, that wasn't a thing, but he would have absolutely thrived there. And, um, so yeah, I definitely have that in common, a lot of my clients.
Have that too. Like we have an alcohol problem, but ours is like a little bit fancier than what our dads looked like. Our dads were like, you know, it was like, we're not, we'd never want it to be our dad. And then here we are, we're kind of like our dad just looks a little bit different because we're, you know, women or whatever.
So thank you for sharing that. The cool thing is you have this healing and compassion that you had to get sober yourself to have this healing with him. And that is like spiritual healing, whether or not he's here, it's like, and a bigger understanding of him. And you and acceptance and forgiveness and love and understanding.
So that's so beautiful.
[00:19:07] Katey Distefano: I think it probably helped too, that my mom was always such, just like a pillar of strength and a pillar of like, she was always just the North star to be like, all right, you're a shit show, but I believe in you. You're going to get there. You're pure of heart and you have good intentions.
You're just wily coyote at the same time. So like, we're fine. You're going to get there, but I'm watching you and I have my eyes on you and I'm. I'm worried about you and I just, I'm not going to let you out of my sight. And that's kind of how she always was not overbearing. Just checking in all the time.
You know what I mean? From the time I was a teenager, Katie, be careful.
[00:19:42] Heather Lowe: Listen to how you talk about your mom, Katie. So there's like the original mother octopus. It's like. Uh, same for me, my mom, my everything, my biggest cheerleader, my, you know, my everything. And it's like, well, that's what we get as moms and the dads don't get that.
Yeah. That's what it is to be a mom, to have a mom, you know, like lucky as we are to have the ones we have. And obviously our kids are to have the ones like us. Let
[00:20:10] Katey Distefano: me bring my 14 year old son who just had the problem with me posting that sex. Reel and see if he agrees.
[00:20:15] Heather Lowe: So tell me about that. Yeah, let's talk about that a little bit.
Um, being public having a little bit talking about your struggles publicly and having children. So, um, it's like the divorce almost gave you permission. It sounds like to dive into your writing and then a bigger, um, like fire inside to share yourself because it was such a hard and dark time. And that's It's perfect for a writer to give them something to do, right?
You're going to alchemize this pain, right? And so you started to get it up and out of you by writing, by verbally sharing online. Um, how was that helpful in your transformation?
[00:20:55] Katey Distefano: Um, it was rough to navigate in the early like years of divorce My ex husband and I did not start getting along until just the last year.
So we had a rough and tumble ugly Not well behaved all the time, girl with a big mouth, um, divorce at first. And it was very contentious and we did not get along and it was probably really bad for my kids. So
[00:21:20] Heather Lowe: I, were you shocked that he, even though you were, you knew you were miserable, you were drinking too much, you were unhappy, all these things.
Were you still shocked when he, it just took you by surprise. And as far as your identity, did you just think you would be a married person for the rest of your life? Well, that was what I was struggling with. Like that was all I had at that time. Oh, everything's going to shit, but at least I'm a white, I have a white, I have a long term relationship.
I'm this guy where
[00:21:46] Katey Distefano: I'm part of this family here on Long Island. My family is miles and miles away. So I don't really have that. So I'm just latching onto some kind of, you know,
[00:21:57] Heather Lowe: And his family was your people too.
[00:22:00] Katey Distefano: They
[00:22:00] Heather Lowe: were the ones that were near you.
[00:22:02] Katey Distefano: My, my ex mother in law lived in the house behind us.
We had a gate. So when my, it was your,
[00:22:07] Heather Lowe: almost your social life too and joint friends, you had mutual joint friends. Yeah. That's all really combined.
[00:22:13] Katey Distefano: Yeah. And it's funny cause I used to do this thing every year, just like a feeling, just such bad self fulfilling prophecies. There's a bunch of them. Cause I did go to therapy for a long time, actually put my therapist into retirement.
[00:22:28] Heather Lowe: She rode off into the sunset. I remember he called me on the beach. He's like, I gotta let you know, I'm winding it down. I go, it wasn't me, wasn't it? Thank you for all your payments over the years. I'm, I'm good now. Like it was me, wasn't it? I'm sorry. Well, good at you.
[00:22:50] Katey Distefano: Like, damn, I'm powerful, huh? Um, so. You know, I forget what I was talking about because ADHD and marijuana is your
[00:22:57] Heather Lowe: identity and then being part of this family and um, the mutual circle, uh, social circle and you're, that's the one thing you had going.
And then when that was pulled from you, you're like, I got nothing, but I do have some Stella and Dot jewelry. Anybody wants it? A ton of it. Um,
[00:23:16] Katey Distefano: yeah, like just ripped out from under me and also very real understanding in my head that like, yes, I know we have problems. Like who doesn't have problems? Of course we have problems.
We have little kids. Like life is chaos right now. How are we not supposed to have problems? But from my end, it was always, it will be a conversation and we will go get help and then we'll fix it. It will never be bad. The end of our marriage, um, and for a long time, for a long time up until just recently, and it feels so good.
Um, now to not feel that anger and that victimization and just that came from taking a lot of accountability, which I feel like a lot of people don't do. Once you take accountability, it pulls you out of that victim position. The second you're like, okay, I had a part in this. You're no longer the victim anymore.
And that helps
[00:24:13] Heather Lowe: you pull you out of anger.
[00:24:15] Katey Distefano: A hundred percent.
[00:24:16] Heather Lowe: Oh, you're like, there were, there were things that were on me, of course. And
[00:24:21] Katey Distefano: that helped me not be mad at him anymore. You know what I mean? It helped me. It helped me stop feeling like he did this to me. And instead of being like, Hey, you were really unhappy.
Like he gave you a second chance, dude.
[00:24:34] Heather Lowe: Almost the same with your dad. Instead of being mad at him, you're like, I get it. I understand you. I'm putting myself in your shoes. You're using that empathy to be like, it wasn't good for him.
[00:24:46] Katey Distefano: And I think what happened is I, So my ex husband, I'll say it to you. I don't know if we want to put it in on like blasted out on social, but, um, he was in a relationship with another woman who he worked with and he married her.
So they are still together and she was, has always been a very big part of my kids lives. And so that was really hard for me. That was so triggering to me all the time, all the time, all the time. I just could not get past that. Um, until recently. I would say it was around the time that my dad passed away.
Some things came out and it made it really clear to me that it's not the perfect life over there. It's not perfect over there. And I'd been tricking myself into thinking, I'm bad. I don't deserve happiness. He left me for this person. And now they have all the happiness in the world together. Meanwhile, at the same time, I have this wonderful man who I just told you is the love of my life.
I can't even begin. Um, and it was just one day I looked and I go, Oh my God, what are you mad about? Look at what you have. Look at this opportunity that he gave you. Like you have this. Awesome. Second chance. You have this bright future ahead of you where you can do whatever you want. Now, you're not tethered to this person who lives somewhere where you don't want to be for the rest of your life, which was what I was staring down the barrel of
[00:26:14] Heather Lowe: the
[00:26:14] Katey Distefano: whole time.
I was married because I didn't want to live on Long Island. I still don't want to live on Long Island, but now I don't have to live here anymore. Once my kids graduate, you know, and get older. So I I'm kind of released from that, um,
[00:26:27] Heather Lowe: you're telling yourself a new story too. Cause the story you were telling yourself just wasn't true, right?
[00:26:32] Katey Distefano: Yeah. It it's been, it's been a lot. And I wonder sometimes if I'm tricking myself into these things, tricking myself into believing these things because it's easier and it feels more positive sometimes. But my girlfriend actually sent me a letter yesterday and she's like, I've been waiting to write this since your dad passed away.
Um, I just didn't know how to write it until now. And she was just like, I wonder sometimes how someone can deal with so much, and why some, maybe some things happen to the same people. My brother passed away when I was 16. That led to a lot of my dad's drinking, and my drinking, and all kinds of unhealthy things in my parent, in my life, in my little three person family that I had at the time.
Um, so like. I go, I kind of have just chosen to believe that like all of these lessons and all of these shitty things that happen are just lessons to view the past and the future through, like, I'm looking like I learned so much about my dad from my ex husband leaving me.
[00:27:37] Heather Lowe: Yeah.
[00:27:37] Katey Distefano: Like I learned so much about him, like, and my relationship with him and the good things about him and the bad things about him because of this new trauma that I had felt.
It changed my brain. It changed the wiring in my brain. And I think every time you have some kind of trauma like that, it does. And I knew my husband was going to leave me. My therapist said it was a self fulfilling prophecy when his dad passed away, was pregnant with my son. And I said, he's going to divorce me because he's never had.
A trauma like this, and this is going to shake him out of his tree. And I was right. And I probably helped out with that, you know, I probably helped out along the way. You pushed
[00:28:22] Heather Lowe: him out of the tree. You gave a nudge. My
[00:28:29] Katey Distefano: therapist was like, great job, Katie. You made that one come through, didn't you?
[00:28:32] Heather Lowe: Okay, you were right.
Are you happy? You were right. I like, I love to be right. My marriage is over, but I told you so , I won. So I was completely losing, but I won .
[00:28:46] Katey Distefano: But like, I don't know, I just, I just knew it. 'cause I was like, you don't feel, I feel like every new trauma, it opens up your heart and opens up your, yeah. And it gives you more perspective.
And I, I sometimes feel like the people who have the most shit happen to them are the realest and the, they have the biggest hearts and the biggest. You know, uh, wealth of understanding and compassion because they've been through it. Totally. I could be, that could just be me. There are other people who you just see become like rabidly angry and never come out of it.
Also, so I think just for me, I try to Not think of it as a blessing, like that I've been through all of this stuff, but I take it for what it is. And I understand that it's helped me view.
[00:29:33] Heather Lowe: Yeah.
[00:29:34] Katey Distefano: Well, then
[00:29:34] Heather Lowe: people it, um, Andrea Gibson says something like when she dies, she hopes like her heart is full of stretch marks and like, that's what it is.
Like you're hopefully your heart grows bigger. And speaking of stretch marks, us, the velveteen rabbits in middle age, right? Like. The wrinkles on her face is a life well lived. Hopefully a lot of laughs, you know, we've been through life. And I always think this mid lifetime for me has been like the first half of my life was surviving.
just surviving the best I could. And now the second half of my life has been so far has been kind of like, hopefully the second half of my life, right? My grandma's 101. So, um, we'll see. Right. So great
[00:30:17] Katey Distefano: grandmothers.
[00:30:18] Heather Lowe: Yeah. So like trying to like kind of undo the coping Tools that I use to survive in my youth, right?
We just grabbed onto things that would work. And now I'm kind of trying to undo those things.
[00:30:31] Katey Distefano: Yeah.
[00:30:31] Heather Lowe: Um, and getting more real, like you said, and if we get to this eight, my life, the same as you're like, there's been so much loss. There has been so much loss and there's going to be more like the older you get, the more there is.
Like my grandma, obviously she's lost two children, two husbands and a long term boyfriend, all of her brothers and sisters, parents, friends, right? If you're 101, it's like you're, there's going to be a lot of loss in your life. So we have to figure out how to navigate that and how to recover from that and how to let that grief live alongside us.
I would say.
[00:31:06] Katey Distefano: And it probably is, you know, all these excuses, or all these, you know, reasons I, or the things that I say I've learned from all this. It could all just be lies I'm telling myself. It could just be ways to cope, right? Like, but at least, I'm telling myself positive things where in the past I was way more negative because I was angry and I didn't want to see the good.
And so now I feel like it's a conscious choice to be like, you've really seen a lot of the bad stuff. So like, wha like What's your what are your options? Your options are to stay stuck and be miserable or change your outlook and just kind of be be grateful for what it is and what you have, you know, I don't I don't know.
I don't know.
[00:31:53] Heather Lowe: I wouldn't. Living in the hole doesn't help the people that we love who are no longer here. Right. Right. Like it's sort of, obviously it's a wake up call of our one precious life, but it's like, how do we want to live it? Because the end is coming for all of us all the time. And typically sooner, we always think we're going to have a little more time.
Right. So how do we want to spend our time here? And I think for you, like, because of the way you're willing to share and express that is connection with others. And like Ram Dass says, we're all just walking each other home. And I feel like you sharing to me what I was attracted to was like, yeah, we can sit in the hole together because then at least we're connected.
We have some connection, right? We're, we're not alone. We are not alone. And that alone is enough. And you sort of have this with your neighbors. It sounds like with social connection. You had this with your writing group or your content group. And that connection is what we're seeking. And that is the human experience.
I mean, since we were born babies, that's what we need to survive is connection. So you've definitely found ways to do this. And then even with like so many strangers. Yeah. You feel like they know you.
[00:33:06] Katey Distefano: Yeah. And I
[00:33:07] Heather Lowe: think
[00:33:08] Katey Distefano: a big part of, if I ever sit down to write my memoir, um, a big part of that will be like what my whole life was, I think.
Like when my husband left, I was in such pain. All I wanted to know was when it was going to stop. When is this pain going to stop? Because up until then, anytime I was in really a lot of pain, I would drink and get drunk. And I did drink for about a year, year and a half after my. Ex husband left. Um, but then I stopped, but it, it, that was what I knew.
Like, okay, pain, I got to make it stop. And that's something I learned about in therapy, which is a generational thing with younger, with younger, we're considered younger to my therapist, um, meaning us. Yeah. He's like, nobody wants to sit with the pain. Nobody wants to sit in the pain. Nobody wants to sit with addiction in every form.
It's all about get rid of it, get rid of it. How can I make it end? And I think that was it. Like, no, it was like my, everything I felt in my divorce was kind of bringing up all the old traumas from my brother dying, my dad drinking a lot of things that happened in my college years that traumatized me.
Like, so I just wanted it to stop. I needed like a date. Like I need to know like, okay, I'm setting my timer on my phone. Like you're telling me it's going to take me a year and I'm going to feel better. I'm clinging to that.
[00:34:42] Heather Lowe: Like a workout on the treadmill, you're counting down.
[00:34:44] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Yeah. And it just wasn't going to be over.
Yeah. And it was not the case at all. So I think, I think that we just. Want a lot of the pain to end, but we don't want to do the work because it's easier to just numb out or go shopping or dive into your kids, you know, pour everything into your kids and being a mom and, you know, and micromanage them if you need to.
Yeah, we, we mask. We mask so many different ways.
[00:35:16] Heather Lowe: Our own discomfort. Yeah. That's sober. That is the sobriety journey. I mean, that's a journey for anybody in any, for me, it was alcohol. It could be, of course, anything I think is the human experience to want to jump ship on pain so fast. But now I, I think it's age too.
Definitely. Like we've been through enough that it's like, I don't resist the pain so much, like still tragic and terrible and sad and awful and disappointing things happen. And I know I'm going to get through it. Yeah. I know I can feel those things and I don't try to push it away. Right. I, I kind of allow it to come in and sit with me and I let my, I, I'm not avoiding those feelings.
Yeah. And I let them stay for as long as they need to. So it's like we alchemize them differently.
[00:36:05] Katey Distefano: Yeah,
[00:36:06] Heather Lowe: right. And it sounds like you've learned to do that too. It's not the pure resistance of it because that is more suffering than just accepting that you're mad, you're sad, you're disappointed. If you can just say it out loud, it already dissipates a little bit just by being acknowledged.
Right?
[00:36:21] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Like giving it that end date. Looking to that, just the end, like the destination, you're not doing any of the work.
[00:36:32] Heather Lowe: Or the idea that then you're going to be happy. Right. And you're never going to be happy. Like, that's the inside job. It's not when this happens and this happens and this happens.
[00:36:40] Katey Distefano: Right, right. By being like, okay, in one year I'm going to feel better, and then just sitting back and being like, okay, it's another day gone by, like, I still feel the same, but when I get to that day, it's going to all magically go away. Like, no. You got to be in this. You got to be excavating. You got to be uncovering.
You got to be asking yourself questions. You got to be taking a good hard look. You got to be willing to, to go down to the bowels of your soul and shovel the shit and just be really fucking honest with yourself. And that's the hardest thing.
[00:37:13] Heather Lowe: Yeah. To go to the underbelly and the dark and the shadow. I'm having a, um, My insider community, we're having a workshop on that today with a heavy metal theme, like embracing the darkness, embracing our darkness, you know, and how we can use that as a catalyst for change.
Oh my God. I'm proud of that. Thank you very much. I had an opportunity to put that in, but yeah, it's like, um. Our pain, our dark, the thing we've been trying to avoid to learn to to go head first into it. And my God, I mean, thank God for your therapist. So yeah, they should be retiring. That's hard work. And you do it alongside somebody.
I mean, I like alongside a guide who can kind of help you. Right. Oh, yeah.
[00:37:57] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Um, but I think deciding to not just sit and wait for it. I, I did a lot of soul searching. Like at one point, my therapist was like, I think you need to do some research on like radical forgiveness. And I was like, that sounds like a big fat, no, I will not be forgiving anyone ever.
And how dare you? And especially not my ex husband. Right. Like what? Never in a million, I'm holding onto this anger because I'm never letting him off the hook for doing this to me. Yeah. And that has so changed. The more I've been able to understand, you know, and I mean, I wrote something a while back that I posted about how, like, when he first left, I would be like, you're a coward, you were a coward for leaving instead of trying to fix this, like for our family.
And I can honestly say, and I think it was when I had that realization that he literally saved my life. He gave me a second chance. He gave my kids a new mother, the mother that they needed more, you know, it's like, he's, I don't want to say he's my hero because. He would probably laugh at that, but like he really, I was just, I was fighting against that realization that like he did the right thing.
And this
[00:39:07] Heather Lowe: was like, turns out the best thing that could have ever happened to you.
[00:39:10] Katey Distefano: 100%.
[00:39:11] Heather Lowe: Yeah, because you dove into your writing, your passion, your love, which you wanted to do since you're little or have been doing, wanted to do more of it. It got you into that. It got you into, it got you to meet the real love of your life.
[00:39:25] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Right. Yeah. And tell me about
[00:39:28] Heather Lowe: that. My God. Like, uh, dating, meeting midlife. What? Oh, we want to know. Dating app. Okay. I
[00:39:36] Katey Distefano: met him on hinge and we were both kind of just like, this is a whatever, like whatever we like. He was more newly divorced than I was, but. In a way, he had been divorced his whole marriage, if that makes sense.
Um, I hope I can say that. Um, and I don't know how to explain it other than he's my And this, I thought, was the dorkiest thing any people ever said ever. Anytime I heard someone say this, I was like, Okay. He's my best Friend, like there's no one else I want to tell everything to. There's no one else's advice.
There's no one who makes me laugh harder. There's no one I can be my more authentic self with than him. And that was not the case with my ex husband. So. We had this moment of, I wrote about this a while back. It's a long story. How much time do we
[00:40:37] Heather Lowe: got all day? We got the rest of our lives. You're coming back.
This is just part one.
[00:40:42] Katey Distefano: So for my first, for my husband and my first anniversary, we planned a trip to Italy for our first wedding anniversary. We planned a trip to Italy and it was awesome. I think. Looking back, neither one of us wanted to be married to each other at that first anniversary. We were going to Italy and we, I was like, you know what, I'm going to do something really romantic and plan like a vow renewal ceremony for us in Italy.
And I had like a fish and I had a string quartet and I had a limo. Like I had this whole thing. We went up and we got like remarried. And he hated it, hated it, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated it. And I probably knew it was forced too, but I was like, but it's fun and special. And we have these amazing pictures from it.
Um, which God, it broke my heart to throw those pictures out. Um, I did save some of them for my kids, but, um, we did Rome, Florence and Venice. Venice was our last trip. We, just one evening, we were going out, we were going to stop and have a couple of drinks, some nosh, like at one of these little glorious Venetian little bars.
I don't even know what you call them. Um, and as we were walking to it, I started to hear this chanting and like the singing. And I was like, and everybody around is like, what is that? What is that noise? Like, cause you know, you're outside and there's all the bridges and it's I could die. Um, and all of a sudden I see it had to be 200 Hare Krishnas coming over this bridge like off in the distance.
They're all in there like they're, you know, yoga, no togas, outfits, they're all in their outfits, uniforms, um, some of them had bells, some of them had drums, some of them had, you know, whatever. And they were just singing this most Beautiful. It was the most beautiful noise I had ever heard in my life. And I was so taken aback by just this spectacle of all these people with just this pure joy emanating from them.
And it was magical. Like when I tell you I had such a moment, I started to cry. Um, Cause I was just feeling so much and I was just really leaning into that pure moment of joy and seeing them for what they were and experiencing them as much as I A
[00:43:09] Heather Lowe: spiritual whoosh actually. Yeah, a
[00:43:11] Katey Distefano: hundred percent. Like, and I started to cry and my ex husband was like, Oh my God, what's the matter with you?
Okay. That's who he is. That's just who he is. Um, so that's one example. And then when I met my boyfriend, this was in stark contrast. And I use these two things together all the time. Um, we first started dating, we were going, we're getting ready to take a trip upstate. He has a place up in the mountains. So we were getting ready to go up there.
So we stopped into seven 11, going to get some coffee for our ride. Right. We'd probably been together like three months at this time. And we go into seven 11. And let's hear it for the boys was playing on the oh my God loudspeaker and at the same time, both of us as we're walking and we both start like dancing full out the guys behind the counter start dancing the guy refilling the coffee started dancing and I was like, this is Who I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be matching my energy.
Right. Because my attack would've been so embarrassed. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's fine because he's more reserved. Right. That's and that's what he needed and what he, that's his truth. Right. So for me, when I saw when that happened, another
[00:44:26] Heather Lowe: spiritual issue, .
[00:44:27] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Like, yeah. This is who I'm allowed to be and it's okay to be this person.
[00:44:33] Heather Lowe: Yeah, they say, um, the people for you are the people that let you be yourself so loud. You know, you're, you feel free to be yourself so loud.
[00:44:46] Katey Distefano: And this might be TMI for, um, some people it's not. This is what we're here for. My kids, my kids know. Um, we take a lot of showers together and shower time. I remember when I first told a bunch of my friends, they were like, oh my God, what the last thing I want when I'm in the shower is my fricking husband in there with me?
Or, you know, someone bothering me. And I'm like, I know. It's very strange. I never would've done this.
[00:45:12] Heather Lowe: Gives a new definition to the everything shower. Okay. ,
[00:45:16] Katey Distefano: when I tell
[00:45:17] Heather Lowe: you I'm having visions. I I I I I
[00:45:19] Katey Distefano: If you could record what goes on, we're doing bits in there, we're making up songs, we are laughing our asses off.
It's like playtime when we go in. Nothing sexual, it's not like that. Yeah, we're like, you wanna go take a shower? Sure. And we're in there like, you know, like making up, changing the lyrics to songs and like, like just doing bits and voices and we're just very much like that together. And I'm like, it's not that we're in there like doing anything to each other.
We're just in there being ourselves and getting clean at the same time.
[00:45:52] Heather Lowe: It's weird. I love it. Yeah, I love it. That's what we're all going for. So there's a whole lot of forgiveness for your ex husband for releasing you to find this, right?
[00:46:03] Katey Distefano: A thousand percent. But even, even in the early days, I couldn't see.
That because of the anger, I couldn't see through that veil of anger, wanting to hold on to being the victim. And I think when my dad passed away, it just really put everything into perspective. And when I was able to see that they don't have the perfect life over there, you know, I don't have the perfect life.
They don't have the perfect life. I can let go of that. I can let go of thinking they have it better for some reason, because look at what I have. Am I insane? Like what I have here is actually so much better than what I could have Imagined and start taking it for that instead of pushing that away for the sake of being angry.
And that's what people mean when they say forgiveness really helps you because anything I heard about forgiveness up until the moment I actually forgave him, I would have told you this complete bullshit. No way. There's no way I'm never forgiving him ever because there's just no way I'll ever be able to.
And then it just one day just magically happened and it's so much better. It's so much better.
[00:47:06] Heather Lowe: Yeah. They say it takes, um, at least half the time you were in a relationship to get over it.
[00:47:13] Katey Distefano: Yeah.
[00:47:14] Heather Lowe: So if that was 10 years, you get five years. If that was 20 10 years. Right. And I think there's a lot of that.
That's true. Like you wouldn't get over that history in a week or a day or a month. Right.
[00:47:25] Katey Distefano: Then throw in all the spiciness. Right. Then throw in all the spiciness from your past traumas. And it's different for everybody because me ignited so many other didn't even know were in therapy really was
[00:47:41] Heather Lowe: amazin that would just were ripp had never healed, had nev was always a bandaid
[00:47:49] Katey Distefano: on t I know.
I haven't written a post about it because I'm like, Katie, no one will believe it. You don't even really believe it yet. Like that you, that you are going to be this person touting forgiveness. Forgiveness is real. Right. Like I'm still trying to believe
[00:48:05] Heather Lowe: it. Normal is forgiveness. Forgiveness is real. Yeah.
Like, ew, gross. No. You're going to lose all your followers. Okay. This is bullshit. This is not what I came for. Who is this woman? Is this a bot? Hello. Your account has been stolen. Now this is a Christian account. Like what is going on here?
[00:48:30] Katey Distefano: No, I think about, I think it too sometimes. And it's just, it's so funny.
I feel bad for so many of my friends who I've conditioned to like, you know, Your best friends are going to hate your at your empower with
[00:48:43] Heather Lowe: anger. Anger is actions. Let's stay mad. We're
[00:48:49] Katey Distefano: friends now and they're like, well, I better not see him. I'm not his friend. I'm like, no, it's oh, it's okay. Now we can stop being mad.
We can all like, but we still hate him.
[00:48:57] Heather Lowe: How do you, so I'm going to ask because you've had, because you're an expert in therapy, I want to try to get. therapy from your therapist through you right now, right? Like, like, um, hand me down therapy, the jealousy, the jealousy, that sort of thing, and betra the feeling of betrayal for one, but just like for me too, maybe we're similar, like I teased before about like wanting to win or, um, be better than or the competition feeling of the comparison and the jealousy, the idea of like, he's doing better than me, or he's happy and I'm not,
[00:49:35] Katey Distefano: or how have you?
I think for me, the way it affected me, and this is some like, serious therapy shit, like, um, I believe, and I think this is what my therapist thought as well, like, My ex husband leaving me brought up all of the struggles that I felt of my dad not being home when I was younger, because he was out.
[00:49:59] Heather Lowe: Abandonment? Was that your fault? Is it, was it your inadequacy or something? I think that's what I always thought. Yeah, same. I mean, if I was better, then my dad would love me and then he would be here. Right. If I was more perfect. Right. If I was more good. Right. Right. Yeah. And
[00:50:15] Katey Distefano: I remember the first day that I actually met, uh, my ex husband's wife, I came home and I wrote a post about how I had dreaded for five years through three years or four years, however, whatever the timestamp was on it.
And the day that I met her, um, like how I never would have thought that I could it. Stand in front of her, shake her hand, look her in the eye and have a conversation with her without just disintegrating into nothingness. And not having her be an enemy. She was still an enemy to me for a long time, um, but the fact that I even survived it.
It was less about her and more about me even being able to survive. You didn't punch her in the face. I don't, it wasn't, it wasn't that, it was just. Me being like confronting the woman who was better than me for him, who he chose over me. And that was before I had accepted, had accepted everything that was really wrong in our relationship and where my shortcomings were and what I could have done better.
And, you know, I could have been the one to start a conversation. At any point in those 13 years that we were married, you know, I, why didn't you Katie, why is it all his fault? You know, like, I, I just had self protection that me. Yeah, like, and it was because all that all those past traumas were driving. Not even the real issue that I was confronting.
It wasn't him leaving me for this other woman. It really deep down was dealing with the issues of my dad not being home as much because he was choosing to be out drinking like with his friends when I was little and being like, why isn't dad here? It's because he doesn't love us. It's because I'm not good enough.
And I was feeling the same way about her and about him choosing her over me. So until I was able to really put all of that into perspective, I think. I would have never even considered being this person now who can say it's fine, it was okay, like it's okay, it's cool. I'm fine with it. I'm most grateful.
So grateful. So grateful. And that's another thing, like, you got to take yourself out of that victim position. I think that's a big thing. I think a lot of women hold on to that and even married women. My husband doesn't do any of the dishes. I do all the laundry. I do everything and you're immediately fighting.
You're immediately the victim in your own household. You're a victim in your marriage because you're being a You know, you're doing all the work or you've got the mental load of the children or you're, you know, the primary caretaker, all that stuff. So I think even for me, if back in those days when I was staying at home and just withering away, like I think if I had been able to think to myself.
You know, Katie, you got to appreciate this for what it is. This is time. You're not getting back. Even though it's really hard for you to be in this space, you have to lean into it and stop feeling like you're losing yourself from this and start thinking of it as you're, you, you have this wonderful opportunity, but my traumas were pulling me into the bad place, you know, into that victim.
And in
[00:53:29] Heather Lowe: some ways it was a choice. For you to be there to a choice that you wanted to me.
[00:53:33] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And like I said, I could have had a conversation about that at any time and I didn't either. I chose to put, push it down and bury it and pretend like it wasn't there and just live in it and accept that this is my lot in life.
And this is what I signed on for. And this is, I don't get to complain. This is just where we, where we are now. Um, and I think a lot of people, there was one thing I wrote. About how, when we were married, I would get up in the middle of the night to like go to the bathroom and I would look out the window of my bathroom, this little window that like kind of looked out over all the other rooftops in our neighborhood.
And I just remember feeling this real sadness about this is all I have now. Like this is what I, this is all I have now for the rest of my life. And that there's nothing, there's not gonna be anything more other than like my kid's accomplishments, my husband's accomplishments. This house, being his wife, being their mom, um, there's nothing else for me.
I'm not going to ever feel. That is
[00:54:40] Heather Lowe: the mother octopus.
[00:54:41] Katey Distefano: Yeah, I'm never going to feel anything other than what this is right now. And it wasn't good. So that kept me feeling like really in that really, it kept me in that dark place.
[00:54:51] Heather Lowe: You know, you were defined by your roles to other people and you forgot you are the creator of your own life, girl.
Right? Yeah.
[00:54:58] Katey Distefano: Yeah. I think when you're weighed down and you're choosing that, you're choosing to stay in that darkness and that victimization role, like you feel more comfortable there because you don't have to do the work. You didn't, you're not at fault. There's none of this is your fault. All of this is happening to yourself.
And so now you get everybody's sympathy because you're, you were, you know, victimized or somebody did this to you or whatnot. Happened to me.
[00:55:22] Heather Lowe: Yeah. This was done to me instead of this whole universe is working for me.
[00:55:28] Katey Distefano: I
[00:55:28] Heather Lowe: just don't see it yet. Right. Right. Right.
[00:55:31] Katey Distefano: Right. And listen, it could be the Prozac.
[00:55:34] Heather Lowe: Um, yeah.
We should talk about
[00:55:36] Katey Distefano: the tools. Listen, thank God for this stuff.
[00:55:41] Heather Lowe: Hell yeah.
[00:55:42] Katey Distefano: Dude. I mean, thank God this is the best stuff ever. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:55:50] Heather Lowe: So you ditch the drink, you get therapy, you get appropriate medication for yourself and you take accountability and you. Forgive apparently for real for true. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And that released you and you address the past traumas as well. You were, and you're capable of doing that. You taught yourself, you're capable of doing that.
[00:56:14] Katey Distefano: We'll never know if there could be more that I could have done with it through therapy because I, Executed my therapist, um,
[00:56:22] Heather Lowe: because she's living the good life, getting sunburned right now under the sun and her son is in
[00:56:28] Katey Distefano: therapy right now from being my therapist,
[00:56:31] Heather Lowe: she could afford the best therapist.
I had a meme really early on and it was. My therapist calling his therapist after I leave his office, like a guy,
[00:56:44] Katey Distefano: like dialing a phone and I love that load of this one. I showed it to him. I was like, I'm writing memes about you now. And he was like, Oh my God, it's not like that, but it's hilarious. But I was like, you, you know, how do you sit here and listen to me and then go on with your life?
Like, I just don't understand. Oh,
[00:57:02] Heather Lowe: yeah. As a coach, I can tell you, I love it. I love it. And I have like, um, unlimited text and email support. And everybody's like, I don't want to bother you. Like, why, like, why do you do that? How do you like, Ooh, who would do that? You know? And I'm like, I'm a special kind of person.
Like, you don't get it. Like, I love it for this. I want to hear from you. These are wins for you and me. I get off on this, you know, like, I want the story. It's like to be continued. I'm like, Oh, what happened this week? Even when you tried that and yeah, um, it's, I, I love it. Love it. Love it. Yeah. I was unhappy in all those other careers is because I was so therapist too.
They love that they're there for, because they love it. And witnessing somebody like you, I mean, what a star, what a model patient or client, like, well, witnessing that, I know I say
[00:57:52] Katey Distefano: it and I'm like, listen, I may be a lot, but I'm an open book and I come in here and you don't have to do any of the work. I just, just everything.
Yeah. Like from day one, I went in there and I'm like, all right, here's where we're going to start.
[00:58:05] Heather Lowe: For sure. They're like, Oh good. Katie's next. For sure. Without a doubt.
[00:58:10] Katey Distefano: Just sit back and relax and let me just
[00:58:13] Heather Lowe: watch the ride. Just sip your coffee and nod your head every once in a while. And let her rip.
Yeah. And then remind her about forgiveness in the last five minutes. 100%. If he could see me now, I know. Oh, probably does. Probably secret follow.
[00:58:33] Katey Distefano: Let me tell you, I mourned that relationship after our last session. I did because I had never been in therapy before him and it was five years and we had our last session where like we said goodbye to each other.
I was a mess. It was terrible. He was such an
[00:58:49] Heather Lowe: important person to you and it's such a safe place. That's the other thing.
[00:58:52] Katey Distefano: Yeah. It's
[00:58:53] Heather Lowe: um. Different than a friend because it's just yours. It's just for you. You get to do all the talking, right? You never ask back like, well, and how are you doing? How's your relationships going?
I would all the time. I would always be like, and they're like, okay, back to you, Katie, right? Like my wife is. Fine.
I'm just doing all the talking. It's so selfish. How are you? What's going on? Fill me in. I know my clients try to do that too, but how are you? Are you feeling better? Yes. Thank you. Remember, you know, you're paying for this. This is on you. This is about you.
[00:59:33] Katey Distefano: Oh, we had the best time. It was
[00:59:35] Heather Lowe: the best of times.
It was the worst of time. Oh yeah. And then you had to mourn that, but now you have a new therapist. So that's.
[00:59:41] Katey Distefano: I don't, you're going free. I'm raw dog. And I already know
[00:59:45] Heather Lowe: you're flying solo. You're just doing this life without a guide.
[00:59:49] Katey Distefano: Yeah. I'm relying on my, you and your meds, my meds and my, my, my, my willingness to just embrace hope and your hot ass best friend, boyfriend, like just, just like no relationship I've ever had.
It's crazy. It reminds
[01:00:11] Heather Lowe: me of like those heart necklaces for best friends. That are like, it's like a heart that matches and like yours fits.
[01:00:17] Katey Distefano: Yeah. It's really fits.
[01:00:19] Heather Lowe: And you know, that you feel that. And
[01:00:22] Katey Distefano: I feel bad sometimes because I remember what it was like waiting to, you know, wondering if I would ever find that or wondering if I would ever find anyone not like, let alone my person person.
Um, and that is such a shitty feeling and it's, it's. It's lonely and it's scary and you just want that validation. You just want to be loved and you just want, you know, someone to look forward to you, you know, and, um, And that struggle of looking and trying to find and trying to cover up that all that pain with like another person who's probably going to be wrong for you and not help in any way.
Um, I just got really lucky that it was the opposite for me. Like I got really lucky that
[01:01:10] Heather Lowe: the
[01:01:10] Katey Distefano: person that I got out of all of this really was able to hold up a mirror to me so I could love. Myself at my core for all my good and all my bad all my fucking weird Dancing in 7 eleven like all those weird things that maybe in my last relationship I felt bad about because it wasn't aligned with the person Now I get to see all of those things as something wonderful that someone else really loves and celebrates
[01:01:40] Heather Lowe: and
[01:01:40] Katey Distefano: I think A lot of people don't get that, you know, and, um, I just feel like super lucky for that.
And I feel like that's because of my ex husband, he gave that to me, he had to absolutely annihilate me first. He had to cut you at the knees to start, I mean, uh, just obliterated, um, but he forced me to. Take accountability for all of my shit. And he forced me to go back in time and unearth a lot of bad stuff.
And he probably didn't even know he was doing that, but, um, that's what happened. And he really, he, I tell my, my, my fake husband now all the time, like that he's, he was my reward. He is, he is the reward that the earth gave me for the pain and doing the work to find the bright side. Like he is. He is my
[01:02:35] Heather Lowe: reward.
There's so much hope in that. I love that. Um, this feels like a really nice way to tie this up with a bow, which is just like perfect. Um, even though it's not because we're, there are so many conversations for us to have, but it sounds to me like this midlife is like, you're letting yourself be yourself.
Yeah. And you're not resisting your own self or hating your own self, trying to change yourself. You're letting yourself be yourself. And when you do that, you found somebody to match that, right? Who also lets yourself be yourself. And I don't know about you, but my whole youth, we look for what's familiar.
And if we had dads that were not available to us, then that's super comfortable to find people that are not really available to us. And so that's what we sought out, right? Yeah. And now. You've, you, you let yourself be yourself and you found somebody who can love and match that. It's also matches your frequency and your vibe.
[01:03:32] Katey Distefano: And it's also hard to let yourself be loved in that as that, as your whole person, you know, including your
[01:03:39] Heather Lowe: darkness and heavy metal darkness. Yeah. That's part of us, our, our whole self, not just the shiny parts. And that's just the parts that everybody loves on Instagram, but like the real mess that we know in our private.
[01:03:51] Katey Distefano: Yeah, if you're, if you're putting, if you're, you know, putting on the show every day to match your husband's expectations or your partner's expectations or what you
[01:04:00] Heather Lowe: think your own of what you think you should be, what this role means or requires or what would mean a good mom or an A plus mom or wife.
[01:04:08] Katey Distefano: You have to be really vulnerable when it comes to being like, I'm not really those things. This is what I really am. Is that okay? Is that okay with you?
[01:04:17] Heather Lowe: Yeah.
[01:04:17] Katey Distefano: And that is where I am. And I think that's, he's just really special. And I'm really,
[01:04:23] Heather Lowe: well, and I will just say this, but because before we hit record, you're having the best sex of your life.
So I want to give all the ladies out there a little bit of hope that, um, If you're going through divorce, if you're switching identities, if you're trying to date or whatever this awkward looks, if you're turning gray and, um, if you're sweaty at night, you know, all these physical, physically, all these like horrible things are happening to us.
And then also you have something very delightful happening to you. And that is a drive, a sex drive and a person to explore that with.
[01:04:59] Katey Distefano: Yeah. Like
[01:05:00] Heather Lowe: self discovery for you. Right. Or who was terrified of me. Right. But there are the everything showers that are just literally from comedy shows to porn. I know I'm like, we're just doing bits in there.
We're just doing bits. Maybe, uh, maybe stream live, you know, if you're looking to grow your audience. Maybe the shower show,
[01:05:24] Katey Distefano: like we do our best work in there. You should hear some of the songs and things we make up and the voices and just like,
[01:05:30] Heather Lowe: have you applied to be a writer on Saturday night live? I have to ask.
I mean, this is your calling, but until then, um, I'm just going to ask you to keep coming back here. Cause I love talking to
[01:05:43] Katey Distefano: you.
[01:05:43] Heather Lowe: Oh, just, I thought we were best friends, but that was really one sided because I knew you, but you didn't know me, but now I'm sure that we're best friends. Our necklaces match.
Can you please confirm that for me? I'm down. Let's, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. We're best friends. We're matching our necklaces. Thank you for your time today for your open heart, full of stretch marks and still growing for your, your raw dog realness. for, for letting us all feel like we're not alone and the hope that comes even after that darkness and the pain and um, meds can help.
So I love that too.
[01:06:21] Katey Distefano: Well thank you for having me. This has been a blast. You're very easy to talk to. Oh, thanks Katie.
[01:06:27] Heather Lowe: and that's a wrap for today's episode of the Peripeteia podcast, a talk show for women.
! Don't forget to download my free ebook, The 12 Truths to change