My 30 Year Relationship with Alcohol - Slowly Drifting

I had my first drink at 12 years old.

This was my toe dipped into the ocean of alcohol back in 1988.

I slammed a Busch Beer in my room alone.

Then I acted “crazy" with myself.

I journaled with sloppy handwriting, so I could prove to myself (and later my best friend), 

how drunk I was.

How bad I was.

How out of control I was.

How troubled I was becoming.

How rebellious, dangerous, and grown up, I was. 

I hid the empty can in my closet for approximately 12 hours. 

The next day I told my Mom what I did.

I think I blamed her for my bad behavior.

From there, I would sneak a few sips while babysitting with friends, or staying at a friend’s house.

I always over exaggerated my behavior to try to act crazy and drunk.

The goal was to prove how drunk I was, and how outrageous I could be.

I was never actually drunk. 

I was always just waiting for the alcohol to take effect.

I wanted it to be as good as they say it is, and as fun as I assumed it must be.

I was surrounded by alcohol my whole life. 

I saw what drunk looked like, and I wanted it.

I was just waiting for that slap happy, punch drunk, feeling to hit me.

But it didn’t hit me like that with just a few sips. 

I needed more, but I was also, too scared to have it.

I was actually a good girl after all, and I liked controlling everything and everyone.

It was sometime in high school when I got drunk for real for the first time.

My first hangover felt like death. 

I called my friend, who’s Mom was always hungover, to see if I would actually survive.

I had never felt so bad in my life.

I honestly felt like I was dying.

I swore it wasn’t a hangover, it was something worse, like death.

The friend (and her mom) assured me, it was exactly a hangover.

I miraculously recovered from that first hangover and kept binge drinking on weekends,

at parties with my friends, all through high school.

It was a thrill to be partying with upperclassmen, in fields and barns in rural Wisconsin. 

I loved having access to alcohol.

I had a lot of fun.

I was very social and I loved hanging out with my friends. 

I loved listening to music, dancing, and singing along.

I loved chasing boys.

I had a safe ride home, most of the time. 

The consequences were very little.

The waves of alcohol were at my ankles and I could still stand. 

I was drinking with friends both nights of the weekend from 1990 - 1994.

I went to college and kept the party going.

I loved making new friends.

I loved having a fake ID.

I loved going to bars with real dance floors, lights, service, and more boys! 

I went out as often as I could convince someone to go with me.

My roommates and wingmen rotated.

Noone wanted to go out as often as me.

I wanted to go out every single night.

I didn’t want to miss a thing.

I, mostly, had a blast.

I was made for the party scene.

I love meeting people, I love dancing, I love flirting, I love laughing.

I loved the possibility each night offered after getting loose with drinks and hilaria.

I kissed a few boys that I later regretted, but mostly my consequences were little.

I walked/stumbled myself home with friends.

I ate hangover food and lazed around when possible.

I felt tired getting up for work or class, but it was very much the regular college experience. 

Some late nights got a little foggy.

Moments of amnesia until someone jogged my memory the morning after.

I kinda wondered why no one liked drinking as much as me,

but I pushed the thoughts away and kept going.

The waves of alcohol were getting a little higher reaching my knees, but I was still able to stand and mostly wade through.

I was binge drinking with friends about 4 times a week, from 1994 - 1998.

When my husband and I got married, we moved to Chicagoland for our new jobs. 

We shared our first apartment together.

I felt like a real grown up with a real paycheck. 

We often had happy hours after work.

Weekends were filled with new things to do in Chicagoland. 

We went to sporting events, saw live music, ate fancy dinners, explored street fests and more.

Alcohol was involved in everything we did.

It was omnipresent and we hung out with other people that liked to drink with us.

For the most part we had fun.

Once in a while we may have had a  fight because I got a little too drunk, 

but nothing was too disastrous.

The waves of alcohol were still at my knees. 

I was binge drinking with friends and my husband 3- 4 days a week from 1998 - 2004, 

when I got pregnant.

I didn’t drink during either of my pregnancies. 

In 2005 I had my first baby, in 2008, my second. 

My husband traveled for work.

My close friends and family didn’t live close by. 

I was always at home with my small children, working part time and mostly remotely.

My freedom was gone. 

My social life was gone. 

Happy hours were gone.

I was a mom now.

My entire life revolved around my babies and their needs and schedules.

When my husband would come home, I would hand him the kids and step outside. 

I would pour a little pink wine to treat myself, while I made dinner and mentally prepared for the evening bath/bedtime routine. 

His work life included private concerts, expensive dinners, and international networking events. 

I was busy bored, lonely, and jealous.

Over time, I started drinking before he came home.

I watched my tolerance go from a glass of wine to two, to three, to four.

I started drinking a little bit on most days.

I was drinking 4- 5 days a week, sometimes alone, and sometimes with friends.

My husband would have some drinks if we were out, but he didn’t drink at home with me. 

He never drank as much as me.

I wanted to drink more.

I always wanted to drink more. 

I tried to plan work happy hours that I “had to attend”.

I suggested getting together in the late afternoon with neighborhood Mom’s for wine. 

On weekends, I was drinking to my heart’s content with friends, while the kids played with their little friends.

All the parents drank together.

My drinking looked like everyone else’s drinking when we were together. 

The wave of drinking was near my thighs from 2008 - 2012.

I moderately drank alone most days of the week. 

I binge drank on the weekends with friends.

In 2012 my life took a turn for the worst.

I had a lot of bad things happen.

I left a job that I loved for 10 years for a new opportunity that I immediately hated.

My high school prom date fell off a roof and died, I was asked to do his eulogy.

Over the next 2 years, I would do two more eulogies.

One for my Dad, and one for my neighbor and buddy.

All these loved ones left unexpectedly and without warning.

I did the eulogies  and I did not allow myself to feel the pain of death and loss.

I thought grief was not available for me.

It was worse for other people, and I needed to save the grief for them. 

There was not enough grief to go around and it wasn’t mine to take.

I was not that selfish. 

I told myself to get over it.

Crying and going on and on about my sadness wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear. 

So I only let myself feel the sad thoughts when I was alone, with my wine.

I started drinking more, harder, faster. 

I would wait until the kids were in bed and then I could be left alone on my couch with my bottles of wine and my pain.

I wanted to be left alone.

I didn’t want anyone to witness my sadness or my drinking.

The waves of alcohol were reaching the top of my thighs, and I was losing my footing.

My depression and anxiety were at an all time high.

I tipped over. 

I switched jobs a few times.
I hated them all. 

I was desperately trying to manage being a working mom, and putting on a happy face for my kids. 

I was dying inside. 

I was hungover every day.

I was drinking a bottle of wine and eventually 2 or even more. 

I felt hopeless.

I was full of fear, panic, and anxiety.

I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror.

I hated myself for drinking but the only thing that made me feel better was a drink.

I was laying on the bottom of the alcohol ocean floor. 

I was drowning from 2012 - 2015, the waves of alcohol were over my head.

I did my first official sober challenge in 2015. 

The goal was 100 days sober. 

I made it to 70 days.

I thought I was cured.

I made it! 
Close enough! 

I could do it, I could quit drinking.

If I could quit drinking, then I didn't have to quit drinking.

I would do these kinds of on/off drinking experiments for the next 3 years before my last Day 1 in 2018.

I was in over my head with alcohol.

I would push up for a breath, during my sober experiments, and be pulled down harder and faster when I got back to alcohol.

I was blacking out. 

I was heavily drinking every single time I drank. 

I was drinking with others, drinking alone, and drinking daily.

Most of my 30 year relationship with alcohol looked very normal.

I knew from the very beginning, that I liked it more than most. 

I liked the buzz it gave me.

I liked the escape from myself.

It may not have been normal to have drinks, before you go have drinks, but I surrounded myself with other drinkers, which normalized my drinking behavior.

At the end of my drinking, I was tumbling to my death.

A slow suicide that was picking up speed.

It took 25 years to get here and the last 5 were pulling me so fast, I could see my life ending this way.

I know if I kept drinking, I would have died from it. 

My husband knew it too.

It doesn't matter if your drinking looks normal.

It doesn't matter if you are high functioning. 

It doesn't matter if you call yourself an alcoholic or not.

It is ok to take a break from alcohol.

Its ok if you go back and forth before you decided to quit forever. 

The most important thing is to get help. 

Get support.

Surrender.

Admit that alcohol may not be working for you, even if it once did.

If your physical and mental health are plummeting, it might be because of alcohol.

That is what alcohol does. 

Its not you.

Its alcohol.

You CAN get away from it.

I quit on February 20th, 2018 and although it was hard, and then harder, I am now free.

I am no longer tempted by alcohol. 

There is nothing it could bring me that would be better than sobriety.

I feel happy, free, and at peace without it.

I am having more fun.

I am healthier, richer, and my relationships have improved.

I'd love to help you too.

The first step is admitting you need help. 

You will have a soft landing after that. 

Schedule your complimentary call with me today.

It can save your life.

Quitting alcohol saved mine.