Not a Picture of An Alcoholic
Aug 28, 2020
Growing up in Wisconsin, alcohol was omnipresent.
My parents met in a beer tent.
I met my husband in a bar.
I had a lot of fun drinking days with just a few embarrassing moments and a couple of painstaking hangovers sprinkled in between.
Just like everyone else.
When I became a Mom, I was adamant in keeping my party girl identity shining through.
Lucky for me, Mommy Juice Wine Culture was on the rise.
My drinking was totally normalized.
I brought my breast pump to happy hours in bars.
You do what you gotta do.
Mom’s are people too.
Make no mistake, I love my kids beyond measure.
Their health and safety is my top priority.
I never drove after drinking.
I have lost friends from my hometown that way.
I wasn’t reckless, careless, or stupid.
Neither were they.
As time went on, I was becoming more and more unhappy.
I was out of alignment with my career.
I experienced the tragic loss of 3 loved ones 3 years in a row.
Wine was there to comfort me during this confusing and sad time.
I recognized my increased consumption and it surprised me, shocked me, embarrassed me.
Still, I was petrified of not being fine.
Or someone thinking I wasn’t fine.
I could afford to buy it, and I wasn’t living under a bridge.
I had a job.
I was a great mom.
My dependence became a shameful secret, that I had to hide.
I would drink a little before we went out for dinner.
I would order my third drink when others were on their first.
I would have wine instead of dessert.
I would buy alcohol from the grocery store.
From the convenience store.
I would buy the case from Trader Joe's “in case we have company”.
I would buy the box from Aldi, “it’s for my (nonexistent) book club”.
It became a daily habit.
My dependence grew from a glass to a bottle and more.
I was miserable.
But I didn’t have a drinking problem.
I couldn’t have a drinking problem.
The only problem was that I needed a drink.
How could I have an alcohol problem?
I was an educated, successful, corporate sales gal.
I was a networking queen and could work a room.
I would never drink too much at professional events.
I was uber responsible and woke up early to make my kids lunches.
I was loved by my family, friends, and neighbors.
I am a class clown. I love to laugh.
This is not a picture of an alcoholic.
Except, I couldn’t deny that I was so bloated I couldn’t recognize my own face in the mirror.
My kids were worried about me.
I never meant for that to happen.
My fiercely loyal husband was starting to give up on me.
My Mom started sharing her concern.
Alcohol was to blame.
I hated this because alcohol was my friend.
I didn’t want alcohol to be the bad guy.
I didn’t want to turn on alcohol.
I would rather have turned on my friends and family.
Looking back, this could have been a clue as to how far down I was.
Slowly, but surely, one step at a time, I started to remove alcohol from my life.
The goal being to prove everyone wrong.
If I could moderate it, I could keep it.
If I could quit, it was no problem.
My sober experiments were meant to keep alcohol in my life.
Maybe my friends and family were the problem?
Maybe it’s not me?
It’s definitely not alcohol.
With each sober experiment, I started to feel better.
My mood lifted.
My anxiety decreased.
My sleep improved.
My self confidence grew.
A light came back to my eyes.
A spark came back to my heart.
I could see myself again in the mirror.
I stopped hating myself so much.
I started loving myself instead.
I started to pay attention to me.
I stopped forcing myself to do things that I didn’t want to do.
I made self care my top priority and it felt good.
Eventually, I ditched the drink for good.
My beloved liquid companion had been lying to me all along.
I was so much better without it.
If you are considering taking a break from alcohol, it is the bravest thing you can do.
Alcohol is not what it is advertised to be.
It’s not your fault, it’s the alcohol.
It is a poison that negatively affects every system in your body.
It is linked to 7 different cancers.
It destroys your mental health.
It is not easy to let it go, but with the right support you can do it.
You don’t have to decide to give it up for good to simply take a break and see for yourself how you feel. I have a 6 week class and 1x1 coaching support to privately explore your relationship with alcohol.
Ditching the drink transformed my life in the most profound ways and I’d love to help you too.
