Sobriety and Belonging in Forced Social Situations
Jul 15, 2024
My daughter had an out-of-state weekend soccer tournament last weekend. I love to watch my kids play sports. However, both as a drinker and as a person in early sobriety, these weekend away tournaments were my worst nightmare. From the long drives to the forced socializing, my anxiety is amplified.
Small talk, travel, hotel lobbies, parenting, and sports can all be triggers. Some of my people-pleasing, competitive, insecure, and perfectionist qualities can really come out in moments like this.
I dread the long road trips. This tournament was a six-hour drive each way. It’s hard for me to sit still. My back hurts. I need a restroom every half hour. It’s so boring! More importantly, I am not into small talk with the other parents. It feels like torture to me. I feel like everyone already knows each other, and I am the odd (wo)man out.
As a drinker, I tried to get “in” by drinking the “right” amount alongside near strangers. Jokes about drinking are a go-to as an icebreaker. As a sober person, I don’t have that easy in, so I try to be invisible by opting out of everything. I am an extrovert, so this feels weird too. It feels like a requirement to socialize with people you are barely acquainted with. This forced bonding is hard for me. When I see people I know or don't really know gathering in the lobby, I get a feeling of panic. When the group messages start going around about where to meet for dinner and “at least there’s drinks” comments from the parents, my whole body clenches.
I imagine many people feel uncomfortable. The amount of indulgent drinking in the hotel lobby seems excessive. It also feels like a requirement to be all-in with the other parents for the kids. No child's life was ever improved by their parent's drinking. Somehow, it still feels almost necessary when everyone is doing it. It’s normal to want your kid to fit in, and you want to fit in too. A desire to belong is biological.
The last time I was at this particular tournament, I was able to skip out and join in a Sans Bar pop up event. I simply said I had an “event’. It felt uncomfortable even for me, a sober coach, to say I was going to a bar without alcohol as everyone was downing their White Claws and getting loopy in the lobby. I care way to much about what people think, and I wasn’t there long enough to judge if anyone was getting loopy, but I just jump to the worst-case scenario in my mind because I am human.
Because of my past experience, I’m sorry to say that I was not looking forward to this tournament. I had to take a day and a half off of work and spend over 12 hours in the car on my limited summer weekend. I was having a really hard time having an attitude of gratitude, if you know what I mean.
Sobriety has taught me to set boundaries and say no. I had the option to not go, but I also really wanted to watch my daughter play, so I decided to attend, even if somewhat reluctantly. I tried to bring my best attitude, but still, there were parts I was dreading.
I am happy to report that the weekend turned out so much better than I ever expected. I realized this almost immediately on the drive up. I recognized that I have a hard time relaxing at home, and having my husband drive while I sat shotgun was the perfect way to relax. I was held hostage in the best way. Away from chores, wi-fi, and more. I had a beautiful view driving through my home state of Wisconsin and all my memories there. It was like a “This Is Your Life” video passing my husband’s hometown, my hometown, my commute to college, our college, and my commute to his first job after college in Minneapolis. It was a sweet tour of my past. We had great weather, and it’s a pretty drive on country roads. I didn’t hate it at all. I was able to finish two books on the drive. This is one of my favorite feelings. I finished a feel-good read and a menopause guide. This felt like a perfect mix. Then I downloaded an Anne Lamont audiobook that I would enjoy for the rest of the weekend. Her voice soothes me, and her words are the wisest. I was happy in my element. Learning and relaxing. I could have been poolside, reclining in my seat.
Upon arrival at our destination, I was reminded how much I love staying in hotels. It is such a treat to be away from the regular grind of daily chores at home and to have housekeeping service. I immediately unpacked and played house by setting up all my things in our clean and modern room. It wasn’t fancy, but it was better than expected. I brought my own pillow and blanket, my best body lotion, lavender essential oil, sparkling water, and Gruvi Dry Red Blend Alcohol-Free Wine. I ended the first night with a glass of wine and a cute feel good movie on Netflix. I took my magnesium supplement and climbed into the comfy bed with the cold air and white noise next to me. I slept well for the first time in days. My body had been on high alert with all the pressure I put on myself. I was able to let it go for a few days since I had blocked my calendar for this. There was nowhere else I needed to be.
The next morning I had to get a large proposal out for work, and when that was complete, I was done working. As an entrepreneur, I am usually always on. This was a perfect excuse to slam laptop shut for the weekend, something I rarely do. I wasn’t going to bring my computer to the soccer fields. I was determined to stay present for what I was there for.
My husband ran out to get us breakfast, and I had a spinach and bacon souffle for breakfast. Was this delicious? Oui! Oui! One thing I love about this tournament is that it is international. There are kids from 23 different states and 17 different countries. Plus, I'm a huge fan of girls sports, which turns into Everyone Watches Women’s Sports. It was fun to be around this young, competitive, and international energy. I braided my daughter’s hair for the first time in years. I loved cheering her on from the sidelines.
We had a good day, a great schedule, and nice weather. We had time in between games to go out for lunch. I got my one biggest wish for the weekend, a Juicy Lucy Burger. It was fun for my husband and me to have alone time with our youngest daughter. We ended the night with ice cream for dinner. Our hotel was in a great location. Now that my daughter is 16, she can hang out with her friends without me. It was such a relief to know I didn’t have to keep an eye on her. I could just relax in the room. The following day, there were rain delays. After our final game, we had time to explore. My daughter stayed with friends, and my husband and I had a date night. This was an unexpected treat. We went to his favorite restaurant for dinner and then browsed the Mall of America. We reminisced about our humble beginnings in the late 90’s when he lived there.
On our way back to the hotel, some team mom’s asked if I wanted to hang out with them on the patio. I did. I told them I would grab a drink and join them. I brought my Petal Sparkling Botanical. These mom’s know that I am sober, and they know I am a sober life coach too. It was so nice to be included. My not drinking was not a thing. Their drinking was not a thing either. We all had our own drinks. It was no big deal. I loved that. We enjoyed conversation, a few laughs, and getting to know each other better before heading up to bed.
Our drive home was fine. We stopped at my in laws for lunch, a short visit and a break from driving. It was nice to have a weekend away. My assumptions were wrong. I was delightfully surprised. I came home feeling refreshed.
My comfort in my sobriety has really grown through the years. I don’t care as much what people think anymore. I think my It helps that my daughter is old enough to do her own thing with her teammates. I am not ashamed to say, “I don’t drink.” I am proud of that now. I used to pretend to drink or hide the fact that I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t have the language for it. I didn’t know how much to share and how much to keep to myself. I wanted approval and belonging. I now know that I won’t belong in circles where alcohol is most important. I am ok with that. I am okay with not belonging with everyone. I am okay to be alone. I am okay with being misunderstood. I have sober friends to lean on and reach out to. I listen to myself and do what I want to do. I don’t try to please everyone else all the time. I mostly try to make myself happy and act in alignment with my values. This has grown over time.
I am sharing this story in hopes that if you’ve done something while drinking or in early sobriety and have a negative memory of it, it’s okay. The further you go in sobriety, the more things will change. I tell my clients’ they will not be the same person on Day 1 as they are on Day 365 or on Day 1,365 because they change in the process. They become someone new. Last weekend was something I did in early, fragile, wobbly new sobriety, and something I also did as a drinker. This time, it felt brand new. I liked it. I won’t dread it so much next time. I bonded with my family, and I took care of myself too. Give yourself a chance to change, and your perspective will change too.
