MY STORY BEGINS

My drinking had always been an accepted and a "normal" part of my life. My relationship with alcohol started to change when I was faced with heartbreaking grief, working mom overwhelm, my own people pleasing, over functioning and perfectionist tendencies. Suddenly in mid life, alcohol was no longer social and became a private medicine that I administered every night, on the couch alone. My tolerance increased and I continually broke promises to my family and myself, by drinking more than I had planned. I woke up every day in a panic. 

In an effort to try to help myself, I talked to a therapist and was prescribed an anti anxiety medication. The meds combined with drinking, resulted in me becoming a walking blackout, on more than one embarrassing occasion. My drinking was getting out of control, and I couldn’t stop it. 

This would have been a good time to quit, but now my brain had started to depend on alcohol. I could not feel good without it. The drink became both the cure and the poison. The drink took over me. The drink did not make me feel good, but it did temporarily satisfy my craving. I was desperate for some relief from being myself. I was self medicating to avoid my overwhelming feelings of sadness, grief, fear, and pain.

After the initial relief of a sip of wine, drinking left me feeling guilty, depressed, ashamed, and self loathing.
 

Every.
Single.
Day.